The sincerest form of flattery.

If you read my previous two posts you may or may not have noticed a similarity to the work of David Thorne, this wasn’t a coincidence, I really fucking love that guy and thought I would try to emulate his style for you nice people. It seemed to have worked as they were the most popular things I’ve posted.

So in a similar vein I’m going to try something along the line of what Rod Hilton does with his frankly hilarious abridged scripts. So this is my attempt at an abridged script of the film Taken starring Liam Neeson. Mainly because I found out me and Mr Neeson are the same height, which made me feel cool.

Taken – The  Abridged Script.

I still don’t get why people keep getting in his fucking way.

The film opens with Liam Neeson buying a karaoke machine for his daughter because this movie is apparently set in the 90′s, after a brief conversation in which Liam Neeson refuses to punch anybody, he takes this present to his daughter’s birthday party where he is stopped by a haughty security guard.

Liam Neeson: Hello, I’m here to see my daughter.

Security Guard: Wait, you’re not her father?

Liam Neeson:  Yes I am, surely as the head of security you’re aware of the fact that your employer is married to a woman who had a daughter from a previous marriage? Isn’t that something you should kind of be aware of, you know, for security reasons?

Security Guard: Probably.

Suddenly Liam Neeson’s ex-wife enters the scene while looking incredibly pissed, even though she has absolutely no reason whatsoever to be annoyed at this moment in time.

Famke Janssen: How dare you show up unannounced to your own daughters birthday party, do you have any idea how rude that is?

Liam Neeson: About as rude as not inviting her father in the first place?

Before Liam Neeson can lay down another sick burn or punch something, his daughter (Maggie Grace) bounds onto screen to move the plot along.

Maggie Grace: Hi Daddy it’s so great to see you, is that for me?

Liam Neeson: Yes, it’s a karaoke machine that I spent literally a week picking out, I hope you like it.

"I killed the wrapping paper myself."

“I killed the wrapping paper myself.”

Maggie Grace: This is, erm, great. You do know that I’m a fully grown adult now don’t you, dad, this present is a little childish don’t you think?

Liam Neeson: Wait, didn’t your step-father literally just buy you a fucking pony? Yeah, you’re way too mature for this present.

The scene ends and smash cuts to Liam Neeson working as a bodyguard for Holly Valance trying to make awkward small talk.

Liam Neeson: My daughter is interested in singing, you know?

Holly Valance: Am I paying you talk?

Suddenly someone pulls a knife on the pair, mercifully allowing Liam Neeson to finally punch somebody. After dispatching the bad guy, Neeson quickly escorts Valance to a waiting Limo.

Holly Valance: Oh my god that was so scary, you were amazing, thank you.

Liam Neeson: Yes the way I did my fucking job certainly was impressive, have you stopped being full of yourself long enough to talk to me like a human being yet?

Holly Valance: Yes and as thanks for saving my life I will set your daughter up with an interview at my record company and a vocal coach at my expense.

Liam Neeson: I can’t wait to tell my daughter, I’m sure she’ll love the fact I’ve essentially made her dreams come true.

The scene fades to an image of Liam Neeson sitting in a cafe, waiting for his wife and daughter.

Liam Neeson: Hello there, I’ve obviously been her a long time due to the fact I’ve had to time to order an ice cream and a coffee, but it’s ok that you turned up when you felt like it.

Untitled

Famke Janssen: Liam, your attractive 17-year-old Daughter wants to go to France with an equally attractive 19-year-old, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this and would like it if you didn’t make a big deal about it.

Liam Neeson: That is objectively literally one of the stupidest sentences I’ve ever heard.

Maggie Grace: Please Daddy, even though I currently live in the lap of luxury and could easily go escorted by 40 armed guards this is something I want to do this on my own. Also I’m secretly going to follow U2 on tour.

Liam Neeson: No. Besides last night I saved a pop stars life and she gave me this phone number that you can call to become a famous singer, just like you’ve always wanted. If you’d just let me pass it to you …

Maggie Grace: No you have ruined my life, I’m running back to my mansion to contemplate how awful my life is.

Liam Neeson caves and is now taking his daughter to the airport.

Liam Neeson: As a former spy I have connections all over Paris more than capable of keeping you safe, please take this phone and call me as soon as you land.

Maggie Grace: * Immediately throws phone into bottom of bag.

Maggie Grace is taken seconds after landing in Paris and Liam Neeson is super pissed about it, so instead of flying to Paris and kicking some ass, he goes to visit his ex-wife again.

Liam Neeson: Our daughter has been kidnapped 5 minutes after landing in Paris and I came her to rub your fucking nose in it.

Famke Janssen: Please save our daughter, even though if I would have listened to you in the first place she would be on MTV right now next to Holly Valance

Liam Neeson: Sure thing, first let me call you new husband an asshole.

Liam Neeson calls Famke Janssen’s new husband an asshole then travels to paris, he kills a lot of people and punches his way through the Paris underground, before finally coming face to face with the man who took his daughter.

Liam Neeson: 36 hours ago I told you on a phone from America that I would kill you. I’m now stood 3 feet in front of you with a gun pointed square at your balls and I’ve already killed 10 of your friends, I’m obviously that last guy you would ever want to fuck with.

Kidnapper: *Spits in Liam Neeson’s face.

He's not a smart man.

He’s not a smart man.

Liam Neeson reacts by justifiably torturing the shit out of the kidnapper.

Liam Neeson: Ok I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you just felt, now please tell me where my daughter is.

Kidnapper: *Spits in Liam Neeson’s face again.

Liam Neeson: *Sigh.

Liam Neeson eventually discovers the location of his daughter torturing the guy even harder. He travels across Paris killing and punches more people before coming face to face with man about to rape his daughter on his billion dollar yacht.

Rapist: I am obviously an incredibly wealthy man at your mercy, I’m sure I would be able to pay you very handsomely in return for my life.

Liam Neeson: *Shoots rapist in the face.

Liam Neeson then takes his daughter home and reunites her with her mother.

Famke Janssen: Thank you for rescuing our daughter.

Laim Neeson: I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!

5 thoughts on “The sincerest form of flattery.

  1. Pingback: Halo – The Abriged Script | The Karl Smallwood experience.

  2. Pingback: Meta Hate, The Sweetest Hate Of All. | KarlSmallwood.com

  3. Which is more wrong: That I read every one of Neeson’s lines in a deadpan version of his voice, or that I’ve only bothered to visit your site now?
    Excellent stuff.

  4. Pingback: Hard sell. « Internet adventures

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