The sincerest form of flattery.

If you read my previous two posts you may or may not have noticed a similarity to the work of David Thorne, this wasn’t a coincidence, I really fucking love that guy and thought I would try to emulate his style for you nice people. It seemed to have worked as they were the most popular things I’ve posted.

So in a similar vein I’m going to try something along the line of what Rod Hilton does with his frankly hilarious abridged scripts. So this is my attempt at an abridged script of the film Taken starring Liam Neeson. Mainly because I found out me and Mr Neeson are the same height, which made me feel cool.

Taken – The  Abridged Script.

I still don’t get why people keep getting in his fucking way.

The film opens with Liam Neeson buying a karaoke machine for his daughter as the movie is apparently set in the 90′s. He then wraps and takes the present to his daughter’s birthday party.

Liam Neeson: Hello, I’m here to see my daughter.

Security Guard: I work for her father, you are not her father.

Liam Neeson:  You’re employer married a woman whom already had a child, as his security guard shouldn’t you know little details like that? You know for fucking security reasons?

Security Guard: Probably.

Liam Neeson’s bitch of an ex-wife enters the scene.

Bitch Exwife: Liam Neeson, how dare you show up unannounced at your own daughters birthday do you have any idea how rude that is?

Liam Neeson: As rude as not telling security your ex-husband is capable of ripping out a mans tongue with his eye sockets?

Liam Neesons Daughter enters the scene.

Daughter: Hi Daddy so great to see you, is that for me?

Liam Neeson: Yes, it’s a karaoke machine hope you like it.

Daughter: This is, erm, great. You do know I’m like a fully grown adult now right?

Liam Neeson: Even though your step father literally just bought you a fucking pony, yeah, you’re too mature for this present.

Next Scene. Liam Neeson is a security guard for an annoying pop singer.

Liam Neeson: My daughter is interested in singing you know?

Pop Singer: Are you talking to me, am I paying you talk?

Liam Neeson then saves the pop singer from a madman with a knife and escorts her into a limo.

Pop Singer: Oh my god that was so scary and you were amazing.

Liam Neeson: Yes the way I did my fucking job certainly was impressive, have you by any chance stopped being a bitch long enough to talk to me?

Pop singer: Yes, I will set your daughter up with an interview and a vocal coach all at my expense despite the fact those things cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Effectively setting her up for life.

Liam Neeson: I can’t wait to tell my daughter, I’m sure she’ll love the fact I’ve essentially made her dreams come true.

Next Scene. Liam Neeson is now in a cafe with his bitch ex-wife and daughter.

Liam Neeson: Hello there, I’ve obviously been her a long time due to the fact I’ve had to time to order an ice cream and a coffee, but it’s ok you turned up when you felt like it.

Bitch Ex-wife: Your attractive 17-year-old Daughter wants to go to France with an equally attractive 19-year-old, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.

Liam Neeson: That sounds dangerous, I’m not even using my spy knowledge here, that’s fucking retarded.

Daughter: Please Daddy, even though I currently live in the lap of luxury and could easily go escorted by 40 armed guards I want to do this on my own. Also I’m secretly going to follow U2 on tour.

Liam Neeson: No. Besides I literally have in my hand a free ticket to being a pop star, you could be the one performing next to U2 if you would just let me show you.

Daughter: No you have ruined my life, I’m running back to my mansion to contemplate how awful my life is.

Liam Neeson caves and is now taking his daughter to the airport.

Liam Neeson: As a war veteran and ex super spy I have intricate knowledge of Paris with connections all over the city more than capable of keeping you safe, please take this phone and call me as soon as you land.

Daughter: Yeah ok Daddy *throws phone into bottom of bag.

Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped, he is now visiting her mother.

Liam Neeson: Our daughter has been kidnapped 5 minutes after landing in Paris, also I fucking told you so. *Crotch thrust.

Bitch Ex-wife: Please save our daughter, even though if I would have listened to you in the first place she would be on MTV right now.

Liam Neeson: Oh so now you like the fact I’m an ex-spy do you, why doesn’t your new husband do something about it? Fuck it, I’m going to Paris.

Liam Neeson travels to paris, he kills a lot of people and punches his way through the Paris underground, before finally coming face to face witht he man who took his daughter in a brutal torture scene.

Liam Neeson: 36 hours ago I told you on a phone from America I would kill you. I’m now stood 3 feet in front of you with a gun after killing 10 of your friends, I’m obviously that last guy you would ever want to fuck with.

Idiot Kidnapper: *Spits in Liam Neeson’s face.

Liam Neeson then tortures the kidnapper.

Liam Neeson: Ok I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you just felt, now please tell me where my daughter is.

Idiot Kidnapper: *Spits in Liam Neeson’s face.

Liam Neeson: *Sigh.

Liam Neeson eventually discovers the location of his daughter. He travels across Paris killing and punching more people before coming face to face with man about to rape his daughter on his billion dollar yacht.

Rapist: I am obviously an incredibly wealthy man at your mercy, I’m sure I would be able to pay you very handsomely in return for my life.

Liam Neeson: *Shoots rapist in the face.

Liam Neeson then takes his daughter home and reunites her with her mother.

Bitch Ex-wife: Thank you for rescuing our daughter.

Laim Neeson: I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!

5 thoughts on “The sincerest form of flattery.

  1. Pingback: Halo – The Abriged Script | The Karl Smallwood experience.

  2. Pingback: Meta Hate, The Sweetest Hate Of All. | KarlSmallwood.com

  3. Which is more wrong: That I read every one of Neeson’s lines in a deadpan version of his voice, or that I’ve only bothered to visit your site now?
    Excellent stuff.

  4. Pingback: Hard sell. « Internet adventures

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