You can bank on it.

The following is a previously unpublished email exchange between myself and my bank, it is quoted in full from my still in progress book.

I’m a very astute saver, in fact I will buy baked beans on Thursday simply to have a bubble bath on Friday. So it’s not very often I ever need to contact my bank, however when I do it’s not very pretty since I fucking hate banks.

I was given a small but nonetheless annoying charge for doing nothing, I decided to find out why the bank did this.

-

To: [redacted]

Subject: Bank Charges?

Hello.

My name is Karl Smallwood and earlier today I noticed a 25 pound charge on my account, I’m just emailing to ask why, as your online service seemed only able to tell me that you’d taken the money, not why you’d done it.

I don’t recall not paying anything and seeing as there is plenty of money in my account I fail to see how I accrued this charge.

Cheers.

-

From: [redacted]

Subject: Bank Charges?

Dear Mr Smallwood.

The “charges” you are referring to are due to a bounced cheque, it seems a cheque connected to your account was being cashed and due to the abnormally large amount of times your account has been changed we flagged it and stopped the payment.

We hope this resolves the matter.

Regards [redacted]

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Bank Charges?

No, this doesn’t resolve the matter. Although I have to commend your logic on stopping someone taking 12 pounds out of my account illegally by stopping the payment and charging me 25 pounds, bravo.

However, if anyone in your bank even bothered to look at the cheque you’d see it was addressed to someone with my last name, who also banks with you. Hardly the crime of the century, I appreciate your diligence but in all honesty I would have preferred to have had someone steal from my account, as they would have taken less money than you did anyway.

Due to the fact this was a mistake on your behalf, will you be refunding me the money you wrongly charged me?

Cheers.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Bank Charges?

Mr Smallwood.

Our policy is to not refund charges, if you look at out terms and conditions you’ll see that we were entirely justified in both the charge and stopping the cheque. These are measure taken to protect your account and money.

If you would like to discuss it further you may call into your local branch.

Regards, [redacted]

-

To [redacted]

Subject : Bank charges?

As much as I love waiting in line, cheap coffee and looking at women who look like they put make-up on with a builders trowel I’ll stick to emails to have a record of this conversation.

Your measures to take care of my money seem odd, considering you haven’t in fact protected any of my money and I’m now worse off as a result. It’s like protecting me from being punched by stabbing me, which you should probably have as your slogan or something. The image of someone being stabbed and then having their money taken is a fitting image for your establishment.

If you’re bank is unwilling to give me back the funds you have wrongly taken, I instead ask for a justification. If you can explain to me how the cancelling of a cheque costs your bank exactly 25 pounds I will drop the matter.

Cheers.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Bank charges?

Mr Smallwood, our charges and fee’s are clearly explained in any of our documentation, so at this time we are denying your request.

We also request that you stop emailing this address as the matter is now closed and your messages will not be returned. Regards [redacted]

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Bank charge?

I fail to see how the matter is resolved, or how you can refuse to answer me. As I bank with you, you are in effect in possession of my money. Which your bank then lends out to other people for an extremely high fee, making you more money.

If anyone is holding the “I’m not talking any more card” it’s me. Simply stating that you will not pay me money I am owed and that you took without asking is something I will remember when you ask me to repay my overdraft.

If you do not wish to discuss the matter further, I will take other measures.

Cheers.

I then transferred all of my money between my two accounts, as it was online, the transition of funds was instant. I did this for approximately 3 hours. A few days later I received the following message.

From [redacted]

Subject: Unusual account activity.

Mr Smallwood, we have noticed some unusual activity on your account and have suspended you from making account transfers for a short time.

Regards [redacted]

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Unusual account activity.

Hello.

That is unnecessary the account activity was simply myself moving funds between my accounts, I’m a rather indecisive person and couldn’t quite make up my mind. However that’s all over now.

What I would like though is a print copy of my statement, can you send it to me please?

Cheers.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Unusual account activity.

Mr Smallwood, your recent activity has made your statement several hundred pages long, it isn’t feasible for us to send you a print copy. You can view your statement online.

Regards [redacted]

-

To [redacted]

Subject : Unusual account activity.

Hi there.

That isn’t what I asked for, I want a print copy of my statement, which according to your terms and conditions I am allowed to receive at your expense in terms of postage and packaging.

I would also like to take this opportunity to ask whether your bank has given any more thought into refunding my charges?

Cheers.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Unusual account activity.

Mr Smallwood, after speaking with the branch manager he has agreed to waive the charges on your account.

We hope this resolves the matter and no longer requires a print statement.

Regards [redacted]

9 thoughts on “You can bank on it.

  1. Awesome man. Simply… awesome. Talk about a smackdown – beat them at their own game. Mad props bro, seriously, mad props.

  2. Pingback: “You can bank on it”- Karl Smallwood | suzieshepherd

  3. Pingback: Help Karl, win money. « Internet adventures

  4. Pingback: You can bank on it. Pt 2. « Internet adventures

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