Born with it.

Here is another section from my still in progress book, this is my attempt to be a male model.

I am by no means an attractive person, I try to look after myself but I’m well aware that half the time I look like a slightly effeminate boy band member.

However, when looking for clothes I often noticed the male models posing in clothes looked like dicks. Seeing as being a dick is as simple as getting a stupid haircut and looking really sad about something I decided to see if I could give it a go too.

(I’m in italics, just because.)

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To [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Hi there.

I see from your website you are accepting applications for male models, I would like to do this, but was confused by your application process, would you be able to clear this up for me?

Regards, Karl Smallwood.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Hi Karl, we’re pleased you’ve shown an interest in becoming one of our models, all we’ll need is a head shot, a full body picture, some details about you and a brief explanation of why you want to work with us.

If you have any problems don’t hesitate to email this address.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Hello.

I’m still a little confused I sent the application to yourselves but received negative feedback, I feel a simple no would have sufficed. Instead the person responding seemed annoyed. I don’t like it when people are annoyed at my face, they remind me of my ex girlfriend.

Is there a reason for this?

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Hi Karl, I looked into it and the reason for the blunt reply was that you totally ignored our guidelines.

Where we asked for a head shot you sent a picture of yourself wearing a top hat, and for your full body picture it was you dressed as a fairy.

You also failed to answer any of the additional questions provided where we asked you to provide a reason why you wanted to be a model you put, “So when people shop for clothes a giant me will stare and judge them silently” That is not an acceptable answer, if you wish to apply we want you to take it seriously.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Hello. I took your application very seriously, top hats aren’t cheap you know. I bought it as I wanted to show that I can be serious as well as playful.

The picture of me dressed as a fairy was also to show that I can fit into girls clothes as that’s what the majority of your models seem to wear. If it’s not acceptable I’ll have a picture taken in a pair of me in a pair of your jeans, would you like me to Photoshop out my crotch bulge? Or are your jeans tight to purposely show off that area? If so, would you like me to think pure thoughts?

Also you only quoted my answer in part, I also want to be a model to have people draw moustached on my adverts, as I’m unable to grow a moustache this was a really exciting part of being a model for me.

Surely the uniqueness of my application is representative of what your company wants?

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From [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Mr Smallwood, we have very strict guidelines to follow, your application did not fit with those guidelines and it was rejected.

Even taking out the top hat, you’re not what this company is looking for in it’s models, feel free to try again at a later date.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Wait, how is it you propose I apply again, if my face is the problem how can I possibly apply again? I can’t change my face, or are you simply assuming that I may one day have my heart broken the second the wind changes. Leaving me with the permanent look of disappointment all your models seem to share.

Then again I could get the same look by buying one of your t-shirts and realising that it offers as much protection from the elements as a standing naked in a blizzard cupping my groin with wet hands.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Mr Smallwood, if you are serious about being a model we wish you the best of luck, however we will not be offering you a place with our company.

You seem to lack the drive and necessary qualities we seek in our models.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Can I just ask what are these qualities I lack?

Looking at your site and shop, the only quality all your models seem to share is that they look really uncomfortable, all the time. Which after wearing your clothes I can relate to.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

Our models are picked based on our brand image.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Being a male model?

I always wondered why all your models all look like they’re constipated, now I know it’s because your company is full of shit.

-

From [redacted

Subject: Being a male model?

Goodbye Mr Smallwood.

4 thoughts on “Born with it.

  1. Is it possible to pitch this as “non-list”? Like an editor piece. Wong said somewhere, they allow funny enough guest columns. I would love to see this hit the front page.

  2. This kind of reminds me of Soren Bowie’s writing, when he just writes e mails to people to annoy them. But your humor’s not the same, it’s kinda.. better. I love it. You should ask them to let you publish this sort of things

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