Skills that pay the bills.

Here’s a section from my book, which as of today is half written. It’s perhaps one of my favourite exchanges.

Writing is a difficult world to break into, sure you can write anything you want, but getting paid for it is always difficult. Which is why I will take any opportunity that comes my way, regardless of whether it’s boring, difficult or strange, because I’d rather have an extra thing in my portfolio than not.

Then again, sometimes I feel as though I have to turn down a chance, regardless of how good it is. The following is a guy who wanted to me to write for him, not an odd request, he also however wanted me to pay him. Which is like stealing a car, then sending the owner bills for repairs. Actually no it’s nothing like that, because being a thief alludes to some level of skill, which this guy obviously doesn’t have, unless being a cock sucker is a skill. Then he’s probably at least the third best person at that.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

Hi there Karl I’ve read a lot of you work and think you’re just the person to help me with a project I have, if you’re interested, please get back to me as time is of the essense.

Regards.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

Hi there.

I’m always interested in job offers and would love to hear more about this project.

What’s the offer?

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

Well Karl.

I’ve been commissioned to write a series of self help blog posts, and I’ve found that I’ve totally forgotten and am running short of time.

Which is where you come in, if you could ease the burden so to say, we could split the payment and both be better off, what do you say?

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

Wait, so you’ve been commissioned to write self help blog posts and didn’t do them? I really hope they aren’t on time management and being responsible.

I say this because you’ve not yet actually told me what it is you’d like me to do? “Self help blog posts” is open to interpretation and doesn’t really tell me anything, or am I able to write them about whatever I want or something?

Again, just a little clarification please, then I can say whether I can help or not.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

Oh yeah right.

The posts are on being more open and honest, they’re part of a series, they’ll need to total about 10 thousands words, and be split into like 10 sections.

So, can you do it?

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To [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

I can yes, but I don’t know whether I should. Am I going to be getting a byline on any of these? Or any kind of recognition for my input?

Also, what am I going to be paid and is it the entire thing you’d like me to do?

I would also like to point out, that you could have summarised all of this in the first email and saved all these responses, mainly because it would have saved the time you’re apparently so poor at keeping track of.

Cheers.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

Well you wouldn’t get a byline, since I was the one commissioned to do the writing.

And, yes you will be paid, after I’ve submitted the pieces, thing is though, to be sure you’ll do them, I’d like it if you sent me a token payment to make sure you hold up your end of the deal.

 -

 To [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

 I’m sorry I think you may have accidentally gone blind and accidentally sent your last email as a collection of retarded gibberish.

So not only do you want me to write 10 thousand words, let you put your name on it and then submit it and get all the money and respect, you also want me to pay you first? If anyone was in a place to negotiate it would be me. Or is this some new way of asking for help that I’m not familiar with, mainly because I assume anyone else using this tactic died while being told to go fuck themselves.

 Which isn’t even getting into the fact that you’re asking me to write a piece on being honest, so you can submit it as your work. Do you not see any irony in that?

 If one of us is the one that needs to prove he will keep up on a deal it’s you, since if you’d done that in the first place you wouldn’t be emailing me to start with.

 -

From [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

I need the token payment since I have a dead line to keep to, and the work is useless to us both after the deadline. It’s merely my way of making sure you do the work.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

Well of course, the fact I’d be risking my reputation as a reliable writer is obviously not something that means I’d be you know, reliable.

I’ll tell you what, I’ll do the work for free. If you put my name on it.

Sound good?

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

No, I can’t let you not be paid for it, it wouldn’t be fair.

It’s better the way I suggested.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

No it isn’t.

I’d prefer the prestige to the money, money doesn’t buy happiness, the sex gained from being a published writer does.

So do we have a deal?

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Writing offer.

Ok.

-

A number of days then passed, before I sent this guy the work, for some reason he wasn’t happy.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Are you taking the piss out of me?

You’ve just sent me the numbers 1 to 10 thousand. Where’s the actual work you piece of shit?

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Sorry, that was for another writing project I have. It’s a clinical trial on the effects of alcohol on a persons ability to write the numbers 1 to 10 thousand.

And since you were so nice about it, I’ve attached the actual work to this email.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

No you didn’t?

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Did I not? There I attached it to this one.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

It’s still not coming up, are you sure you attached it correctly?

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Oh wait, sorry. Instead of attaching a file, I clicked on the button that makes my computer go to sleep instead and went outside.

I’ve totally attached it for real this time.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

This one just says, “honesty is great”.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

10 thousand times.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Well, you could learn from it. I did contemplate writing it, but decided that it wouldn’t be ethical for you to profit from my work, and that I’d be disrespecting the concept of honesty itself. Which I don’t want to do, because honesty brought blow jobs into this world, when the first guy was honest and said “It would be really hot if you put this in your mouth”.

Then again, you could always shove it up your arse and go fuck yourself.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Come on this isn’t funny, it’s due in soon, I need the actual work, where is it?

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Honesty is all around us. It is also in the next sentence.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

You didn’t write anything.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Exactly.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Is this some kind of joke?

Fuck off.

4 thoughts on “Skills that pay the bills.

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