Download overload.

Like everyone reading this, I have an internet connection, this internet connection is shared by 10 people, so yeah I got the one that advertised itself with an unlimited download limit and only that. For some reason though saying you don’t want to be contacted, doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t still get snarky messages asking what you’re up to if for some reason your usage spikes. Then again, nothing says I have to give them a proper answer.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Hello Mr Smallwood.

We’ve noticed an abnormality in your internet usage, we’re sending this message to confirm that everything is ok and to ask whether you will require a higher bracket of allowance.

Regards.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Hello.

Can you just confirm what exactly constitutes abnormal internet usage for a house containing 10 students? Since I’m almost positive that that’s a pretty unique case. Also since we currently have an unlimited allowance how are you can even able to offer a higher limit? Since if you can, holy shit, you should get onto Stephen Hawking with that discovery!

Cheers.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Hello.

We’ve noticed, a spike in your usage over the last few weeks, this was sufficient to flag a warning on our computer that something may be amiss, it’s standard procedure to send a message confirming whether or not this is an issue.

Also our records indicate you’re only paying for an internet package, the offer was to extend your service to a TV package.

Regards.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Ah that makes sense, I guess.

But when we have an unlimited limit why would anything flag on your system? Regardless of how much or how little is used you’re going to be paid exactly the same amount. It’s not like if I get download happy on a bunch of Simpsons episodes you can charge me extra or something.

Also, I made it explicitly clear that I didn’t want a TV package when I signed up with you and also that I didn’t want you contacting me via email with promotions, which if I’m honest the above email seems an awful lot like. If there’s no problem I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t use some loose excuse to ask if I want a TV package, because I don’t. I get enough entertainment from the ducks that live next to my house, it’s like reality TV only more interesting because there’s always a chance a heron is going to fly in and make things get crazy. You just don’t get that with TV.

Cheers.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Mr Smallwood.

We’re not trying to sell you a TV package, it was an honest enquiry.

As mentioned, we wanted to message you to be sure all is well with your internet connection and whether or not you required any additional services in addition to the internet package.

Regards.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Well the second I replied to your email, do you not thing that’s kind of a give away that my internet connection is, you know, working? How else do you think I’ve been getting your messages?

Also enquiring as to whether I want additional services without me explicitly asking for them is awfully similar to you trying to sell me things isn’t it? I mean come on that subtlety was layered so thin I could see the inner working of my laptop through it.

Cheers.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Mr Smallwood.

I’m sure you’re well aware that it’s entirely possible for wireless internet to be compromised. A usage spike sometimes indicates this, which is why it was flagged on our system.

Is there a reason your internet usage would suddenly jump up? If not it may be that someone is using your connection without your permission and you may need to reset your password.

Regards.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Hmm, well recently I’ve had to spend a lot of time answering really pointless emails. However I also broke up with my girlfriend so I may have gone a little overboard with the downloads in an attempt to sate my loneliness, however I was sure to only download things containing midget’s, since they take up less file space, right?

Other than that, there are 10 people living here, all of whom own laptops, I’d be less surprised if we didn’t get usage spikes considering we all use the internet at different times. Then again, I guess you have a point, perhaps it’s best we reset our password just to be sure. Could you not have just said that in the very first email though? Since if you really thought the connection had been compromised do you really think sending me a half-dozen emails asking if I want to watch TV is really a priority? I mean come on, I know you’re running a business but that’s taking the hard sell to a whole new level. This is seriously how our exchange has gone.

“Hey your internet seems to be being used quite a lot”

“Ok, what’s your point?”

“It’s rather odd, would you like to watch some episodes of Cake Boss? That shit is so hype!”

“No, I don’t, if there’s really nothing wrong I’d prefer for you to not contact me asking me if I want a service I specifically said I didn’t want”

“Oh yeah the usage spike may also mean someone is totally stealing all your shit, you’ll probably want to look into that, but seriously Karl, Cake Boss is the tits, you need to watch it”.

In future, I’d prefer you just tell me if there’s a problem.

Cheers.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Mr Smallwood.

You’ve been less than helpful and also quite irrelevant in our exchanges. We’re just following the standard procedure and informing you of a problem, if it’s addressed we can close the matter.

Regards.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

I’d argue with you but, you have a point, I should probably watch some episodes of Cake Boss.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Mr Smallwood.

Does that mean you’d like to take out a TV package, if so that can be arranged.

Regards.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

No thanks.

I’m just going to download them all. Again.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Internet usage.

Goodbye Mr Smallwood, the issue is closed.

2 thoughts on “Download overload.

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