Secret identity.

Now my last name is rather unusual. It’s not uncommon, but it is one I’m sure most people won’t have seen or heard before, also I’m fully aware of the humorous connotations Smallwood has (penis ones). Below is an exchange with someone who refused to believe it was my actual name.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

Hi Karl

I know you must get this a lot but you are one of the funniest people Ive seen online. I just wanted to ask though purely out of curiosity. Whats your real name?

Because Smallwood is pretty stupid.

Thanks.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

Hi there.

Thanks for your compliment, although I feel it would have been perhaps a little better received if you’d not insulted the shit out of me too. My last name actually is Smallwood. I understand that you may have not come across is before but I assure you it’s a real name and it’s on my birth certificate and everything.

I even sign off with my families motto on occasion.

Regards, Karl Smallwood. A Smallwood always pays his debts.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

Very funny. I didn’t expect a straight answer from a comedian but come on I know for a fact all writers use fake names Im just curious about why you chose yours because its so unusual.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

Ok although I’ve made it very clear this is my actual name, I guess I have to ask, what exactly is so unusual about my name. Since I’m so used to people laughing at it without truly explaining why, your mother for example, you may be able to help me. So I’m all ears. Just let your brain hatch that explanation then lay it on me.

Regards, Karl Smallwood. A small wood can still have a big tree.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

Well for a start your first name is spelled wrong. It’s only ever been spelled with a c every time I’ve ever seen it. So it’s obviously fake and your last name is obviously a dick joke. No one would keep that last name dude.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

Well I’d like to stop you right there. My first name although, arguably does have an unusual spelling, it’s actually the only way it should be spelled. Karl is more phonetically correct than Carl. Also when younger I was taught that my name is spelled with a kicking k, which is far more badass than a curly c don’t you think? I mean seriously a kicking k? That shit is already better since it’s the only letter that is actively described mid attack, that shits the bomb!

As for my last name, it’s not made up, there a plenty of people with it, my brothers for example, or my cousins. Yeah you can’t move for Smallwoods when you roll with me, like every other step is another one in your face. As for keeping it, why would I get rid of it? Especially when it opens so many avenues of conversation with interesting people like yourself. I guess I’m just more comfortable with who I am than you are, sorry about that dude.

Regards, Karl Smallwood. Bitesize is still a mouthful.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

If by being comfortable with yourself you mean being a dick I think your right.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

No I mean that I’m able to let insults roll off of my back and not immediately react by insulting people, although I do, do that quite a lot, it’s usually a little more subtle and better worded than you did it. Also I like how I’m a dick when your first instinct was to immediately accuse me of lying and say my family name is retarded. Although I’ll admit you do have a point, you’re still a huge sack of dicks.

Regards, Karl Smallwood. Sometimes the tip is enough.

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From [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

Whatever man stop emailing me Im not playing your game anymore.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

Is that because you’re losing?

Regards, Karl Smallwood. Number one choice for penis jokes on the west side!

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From [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

No its because your stupid.

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To [redacted]

Subject: Hello.

I don’t think I could insult your intelligence any better than your last email does.

Regards, Karl Smallwood. Smallwoods take get victory from behind.
You can check out more of my stuff here!

4 thoughts on “Secret identity.

  1. You’re killing me, your comebacks are so quaint.
    How can there be so many straight up dumb people alive?

  2. Hi,
    I’m not sure how I ended reading your site (procrastinating at work most likely). But after reading previous post about your name, I’m still shocked how simplistic can some people be, this remark is just idiotic:

    ” It’s only ever been spelled with a c every time I’ve ever seen it. So it’s obviously fake”,

    then I have to remark that here in Germany is the other way around I’ve met here way more Karl’s than Carl’s.

    With regards,
    Karl Alarcon

    http://www.facebook.com/karl.alarcon (just for info of my name, please don’t add me)

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