I’m finally wrapping up the final few things on internet adventure – the book. So then, I thought I’d post something from my next project which is tentatively dubbed “like a boss”. Which will hopefully be aimed at making several aspects of your life that little bit more awesome, using science and good old fashioned immaturity. Since almost all of my traffic comes from social networking I wanted to start, with Facebook.
How to facebook – like a Boss. Excerpt.
Facebook has become a staple of modern life, with the advent of timeline and the ability to put life onto the internet before it comes screaming and covered in blood from your body it’s entirely reasonable to expect entire lives will be lived and displayed on the internet sometime in the future. Even ignoring this possible future, as it currently stands everyone using the service is potentially being eyeball fucked by every other Facebook user on Earth. With that kind of pressure, it’s important that your profile remain as pimpin as possible right?
There are two ways most users, use Facebook, one is to keep in contact with old friends, the other is to sell oneself or a product. Regardless of which one you personally use the service for, it all comes down to something known as social attractiveness. This goes beyond mere physical attractiveness into a much deeper level that I’m sure no one is really bothered about, long story short, humans crave to be seen as attractive and feel accepted. This is an in built genetic trait and extends back to the days when working with and being accepted and liked by a group meant the difference between mammoth for dinner and dying in agony of a tusk induced gut wound. It has also been noted that Facebook quite succinctly fulfills several of the average human beings base needs.
So many needs.
With that in mind it may seem like a good idea to simply add all of the friends. It’s a good idea, but not the best one since if you have more than 300 of them, you’re not doing yourself any favours. Now the maximum number of human relationships a single person can keep up with is around 150, David Wong refers to this as the monkeysphere. However given the digital nature of Facebook, around double this number is considered the upper maximum number you can have to appear optimally socially attractive to others. Any more and you come off as needy, any less you come off as friendless loner, science!
On top of this there’s also good old fashioned snap physical judgements that come into play and affect how socially attractive others view you as. Which means that if you only add people with some top quality chesticals or a face with a really angular chin, people will dig that. Having attractive friends post and comment on your wall increases how others perceive you and artificially boosts how socially attractive you are perceived by others. Kind of a dick move, but this is Facebook baby. This extends to your own profile picture, which can again, lead to snap judgements about you personally, so make sure it’s a good one. For the best results, smile, it makes your profile more attractive as well as subconsciously suggesting you’re a more fulfilled person.
Pictured: The most fufilled I’ve ever been.
If you’re not into the whole socially attractive thing and simply wish to use Facebook the honest way you may want to know that the Facebook algorithm is kind of skewed against you when you’re a new user. To the point it’s so heavily stacked in favour of older users, signing up to the site may as well come with a free bottle of lube and an apology.
You see, the stories that appear on your newsfeed are the result of a careful algorithm, that of course you can hack the fuck out of. For example a new users posts automatically carry less “weight” than an older user, as such they appear less prominently and therefore get noticed less. This is a vicious circle as your wall will automatically display posts that have more likes and comments. Regardless of who’s reading this, if you have Facebook you want your posts to be seen. The easiest way to do this is to like and comment the fuck out of everything. You see, doing so increases your “affinity” score with other users, this is a hidden value that affects how often each others stories appear on each others newsfeeds, try it for yourself. If you like someones status chances are the next one they post will appear in your feed, that’s affinity at work. Next stop, intercourse.
Of course I’m now going to tell you how to make your posts more visible, as not doing so would be like selling a kama-sutra book without a free voucher for yoga. Now I’ve already discussed that facts don’t change people’s minds, but it goes much deeper than that, people fucking love to read things that already confirm what they already believe. That’s why people love posting shitty image macros that have some bullshit statement on them, usually it’s either taking one side in an emotionally charged issue, (just search atheism on Facebook) or stating something people already accept, like cancer can go suck a dick. So avoid posting intentionally combative things, if cold hard facts can’t change people’s minds, your Facebook posts aren’t going to either.
I can’t stress how important it is to pander to the hard done by nice guy crowd.
Secondly pictures and videos carry more weight than words, proof of the inevitable decline of human interaction sure, but if you want to win at Facebook post pictures, like all the time. Thirdly avoid old news, it was recently discovered that virtually everything on twitter is pretty much useless. Restating old news is one of the things social media users deem unnecessary, also Facebook’s algorithm works against you every step of the way. For example, when watching a football game avoid using the name of the team directly, or the word football as when something big happens, Facebook will automatically lump all such posts together, the later yours is posted, the lower down it will go.
Finally, use your own mind. A post that contains personal insight, even on something like a link or image is 20% more likely to receive feedback from others. In a similar vein longer posts are also more likely to illicit a response and posts made on a Wednesday or saturday are up to 60% more likely to receive feedback or be seen
Then again, you could always just post pictures of your pets in hats.
If you’re interested in any of the journals for these facts or the names of the books used to research them, feel free to message me, if you want to read the next section, it’s not fully written yet so pester me in the comments to write it.