One last hurrah.

The people I used to rent a house from, weren’t exactly fans of me, mainly due to the fact I was quick to tell them how much their house sucked. That said, when I moved out I couldn’t resist messing with them one more time when I asked for my deposit back.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Your deposit.

Hi there Karl.

We received your deposit request and we think there may be a problem with it, according to the request we received you’ve asked for more than you actually paid in. Is this some kind of mistake?

Kind regards.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Your deposit.

Oh it’s not a mistake, I don’t make mistakes except when I drunk and can’t judge how much women weigh, and I’m 40% sure I didn’t drink that day. Although I think with the amount of effort I personally went to, to make sure the house was fixed and cleaned and what not, not to mention the state it was in when I first moved in, I deserve a little more money back.

Cheers.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Your deposit.

Karl. You’ve asked for a million pounds, this is obviously some kind of joke, how did you reach such a ridiculous figure?

Kind regards.

-

I totally did ask for a million pounds, because why not?

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Your deposit.

Well every time I’ve sent yourselves an email or done something related to the house, I’ve recorded the time it took. I then combined this total time with the current minimum wage. When I had this figure I checked how much the house was worth online and estimated the total cost of all the repairs I’ve pointed out to you.

Then I thought, fuck it, and asked for a million pounds because it was funny.

If a million is too big of a number I’m very willing to negotiate to a lower figure, of half a million pounds. I assume this picture of me looking very serious proves that I mean business.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Your deposit.

Karl.

We’re not going to send you a million pounds, or any other figure above the amount your deposit actually comes to.

Kind regards.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: Your deposit.

Ouch. I’ve not seen a bargain driven that hard since I last watched the World Wildest Police Chases. OK, forget the money, I’ll settle for the original 200 pounds I paid in, on the condition that you admit I look handsome with a moustache.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: Your deposit.

You look dapper.

We’ve authorised your payment. Good luck with the future.

Kind Regards.

-

If you like this post, be sure to check out information on my upcoming book. All the cool kids do it.

3 thoughts on “One last hurrah.

  1. The fact that they actually admitted that you look dapper tickles the shit out of me.

    (I mean it literally. I have an awful stomach bug and have been spending the day moaning in bed and reading your blog and gradually falling in love with you. For the record I am a real woman with a real vagina, I must stress, ON THE INTERNET, so there’s that.)

    It tickled me so much, in fact, that I felt I had to comment and even went through the rigamarole to do so (since I don’t get on with these Twitbooks and Faceters things). Good show.

    • I also actually wanted to applaud your article on the ridiculous men’s rights movement, which somehow I found despite being solely interested in your book and all of the free content therein I can find, since I am unfortunately broke and also American, and our money is stupid.

      But I was feeling too shy, so now I’ll just reply to myself like a sad, lonely person, and hide behind humor. Except really, kudos. Standing ovation. Especially the follow-up email to that guy who just wanted you to see the light, which was hilarious and sarcastic enough to make me punch my fist in the air several times in vicarious triumph.

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