Karl vs The World Pt 1. Kathy Benjamin and her new book.

Welcome to a new feature of Internet . Ihe last few weeks I’ve been in contact with a few friends from Cracked and the other sites I write for. Basically this feature will function like the ever popular emails I used to launch my site 3 years ago, only instead of exchanges with people who hate me and can’t spell, they’ll be exchanges with people who hate me and can spell.

This weeks it’s Kathy Benjamin. One of Cracked’s most prolific writers and the person who inspired me to start writing in the first place, we were discussing her new book. Enjoy!

Karl Smallwood

Any ways, you ready to rock?

Kathy Benjamin

Let’s do this shit! I am blasting Girls Aloud. I am pumped.

Karl Smallwood

Alright so you’re cool with being put down as Kathy Benjamin?

Kathy Benjamin

Yup! That is my name

Karl Smallwood

Do you not want a nickname?I could call you Kat. You know, attract that younger crowd with the sex appeal.

“Hi guys, I’m Kat Benjamin, meow!” People would love that shit!

Kathy Benjamin

haha, no Kathy is good

Karl Smallwood

Alright so this book? Sell it to me. Don Draper that shit.

Kathy Benjamin

Look, death is the one thing we will all experience. Full stop. Not all of us will get married or have kids or eat haggis. But death is coming for all of us, so we may as well learn all about it and laugh at what we can.

Karl Smallwood

Is that the blurb?

Kathy Benjamin

I dunno, it was just what I just thought up.

Inside I am thinking, OH GOD BUY MY BOOK I BUT SO MUCH BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS INTO THIS PLEASE PLEASE. But that isn’t as Don Draper-like.

Karl Smallwood

I don’t know, from what I’ve heard about Don Draper he puts a lot of bodily fluids into things too. So you’re close.

So this book is about death right?

Kathy Benjamin

Yes, well, more about what happens after death.

Karl Smallwood

Are you saying your book answers the question of what happens after death? Because that’s a pretty big selling point.

Kathy Benjamin

I touch on things like cemeteries, types of burial, funeral rites and rituals, even wills. What happens after death for everyone who has to deal with your now totally disgusting body.

Karl Smallwood

Please tell me that there’s at least one person out there who had a spring loaded coffin.

Kathy Benjamin

Oh yes! It was a precaution for being buried alive. If you were rich enough in the 1800s to be buried in a mausoleum and not underground, and you were really afraid of being buried alive, you might order a spring loaded coffin, as well as having a hammer and chisel placed in your tomb. That way if you started breathing or moving, even if you weren’t conscious, the coffin would open and you could breathe. Then when you woke up you could chisel your way out.

Karl Smallwood

Wait, spring loaded coffins are an actual thing? Do we still have that technology? Can we put it in my bed?

Kathy Benjamin

Like your bed needs ghetto hydraulics.

Karl Smallwood

I’d just want the spring loaded thing to stop the dogs jumping on my bed.

Kathy Benjamin

Karl, even ugly girls need loving. And don’t call them dogs.

A waterbed would probably do the trick though.

Karl Smallwood

Wait, what?

Kathy Benjamin

Nothing, joke ruined

Karl Smallwood

Are still discussing my wang life?

Kathy Benjamin

No.

Karl Smallwood

Really, 30 seconds of discussion then the woman decided it just didn’t work, it sounds like we are Kathy.

Kathy Benjamin

I’ll fix this. Ladies, Karl is so virile that the government forced him to change his last name in order to throw you all off the scent. Do not believe him.
I will be taking a pregnancy test after this conversation…just in case.
Karl Smallwood

You have a point I guess, I’m the only person I know who spikes women’s drinks with birth control.

Kathy Benjamin

I don’t have anything to top that. Back to book talk.

Kathy’s book doesn’t have a cover yet, so my 8 year old sister designed her one.

Karl Smallwood

Yeah, there’s nothing seedy about books. Unless it’s that one with all the freaky lady sex in it.

Kathy Benjamin

There is no necrophilia in my book so I thought we might be able to avoid sex for… oh wait no, there is one item about it. But not overtly.

Just a guy sleeping next a corpse of the girl he loved for 7 years. But he probably never did anything, right? RIGHT?

Karl Smallwood

Depends if she was stabbed to death I guess.

Kathy Benjamin

I was already wishing I was a lesbian today, that just made it worse.

Karl Smallwood

Wait, but you’re married to an English guy? Is he letting the side down?

Kathy Benjamin

Oh not at all, but you should know that English guys all come off as a bit gay in the US.
Karl Smallwood

Is it because we’re well spoken and witty? And have lots of sex with me

*men

Kathy Benjamin

Right, that was a typo. Not a Freudian slip of the fingers.

Karl Smallwood

Soooo, this lesbian thing?

Kathy Benjamin

Girls Aloud just released a new single that’s all, sorry, I just fucking love them.
Karl Smallwood

Swap two of those words around and I’d agree with you.

Kathy Benjamin

hahaha

ok, no, book talk now, no more sexy lady talk.

Karl Smallwood

I’m just trying to optimise my search results.

This article will already return hits for lesbians, gay and necrophilia I’m going to get all the views.

Kathy Benjamin

Should I just start typing porn at the end of every sentence porn?

Karl Smallwood

It’s not very professional. I mean would people really pay buy a book from someone who just typed sexual words seemingly at random?

Oh wait, they released 50 shades of grey.

Kathy Benjamin

It does hurt me to my very soul to think that terrible Twilight fan fiction made the author millions.

And yet death will make me virtually nothing!

OH GOD BUY MY BOOK PLEASE.

See, that is what is inside me all the time now.

Karl Smallwood

Screaming?

Kathy Benjamin

Basically.

Karl Smallwood

Ok, sum up this book then.

Kathy Benjamin

All I know is that my book is way better than 50 Shades and wet Michael Fassbender combined and you should totally buy it.

Karl Smallwood

That’s a hell of a claim you know?

Kathy Benjamin

The only way to prove that claim wrong is to buy the book and read the entire thing.

Karl Smallwood

That’s smart

Too smart!

Kathy Benjamin

Thank you.

Karl Smallwood

Skynet was too smart Kathy. Although in fairness, I’d buy a book written by Skynet.

Kathy Benjamin

BUY MY BOOK.

Karl Smallwood

Oh learn a new tune, robot!

One thought on “Karl vs The World Pt 1. Kathy Benjamin and her new book.

  1. This is an awesome idea! Good job, good job. I guess I don’t really have anything to say but I wanted to put my two cents in so you would continue to do these.

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