Update! Ono Sendai, (the guy this post is about) tried to comment on this piece earlier, he asked me why I couldn’t just ignore him, so I deleted his comment. Because I can and because fuck him.
A couple of days ago Cracked columnist John Cheese wrote this article about lazy, annoying jokes he personally dislikes, some of which were popular go to fodder for the comment section (which John doesn’t read) and for some reason, some more vocal users of the comment section didn’t like that and demanded an answer from him, personally, then told him to go fuck himself and then threatened to kill him. Because the best way to show someone you don’t appreciate being called names, is to threaten to kill them. Science!
Due to the overwhelming amount of “John Cheese should start drinking again and die” comments, Cracked.com started deleting that shit. The overall result has been so overwhelmingly retarded it’s required reading material in the state of Texas.
The Cracked comment section is something of an oddity, every day, without fail, around a dozen people will make comments, usually within the first half an hour the article is live. These comments are invariably the top comments, I’ll admit that some of these guys do have genuine skills when it comes to making humour. But there’s a subtle difference between riffing on the work and pre-made audience of someone else and writing and researching an entire 3000 word article on celebrity fanboys. Or in the case of John Cheese, writing and editing a 3000 word article, per week along with the editing and moderator obligations of being a higher up on one of the biggest sites on the entire web. Also, for every half decent comment that makes a semi-decent or chuckle-worthy observation, you get ones like these.
And the worst part is, some of the commenter genuinely believe that what they do makes a difference. I’m not talking about the people who just comment for the hell of it, those guys cucumber cool, maybe even double cucumber cool. I’m talking about the people who have been commenting in this Reddit thread as if John Cheese’s article signals the end of Cracked as an entity, because they honestly believe that the comment section has that much power.
If comment sections anywhere really held that much sway over the content of anything Justin Bieber would have shot himself in the dick with a nail gun after his first single. The only other people out there who think they’re actively making an active difference to something countless people are going to enjoy regardless of how much shit they do are the people who visit prostitutes and at least the gaping hole they’re prodding squeezes back if they do it hard enough.
One of the most vocal opposition to the article and now Cracked in general is a guy who commented under the name, Ono Sendai. An account that has now been banned so hard it erased his entire comment history, which I assume raised the collective IQ of everyone, everywhere. Now here’s where it gets sad.
A few weeks ago Cracked ran a call for new writers, basically they asked anyone who thought they could do better to step up and prove it. It’s the same one I saw three years and 40 articles ago, Ono Sendai commented about 6 times asking, nay begging someone to co-write an article with him. Of course, his comment history is deleted, so I could be lying, so here’s the next best thing, his post history. In which he asks to join the workshop (where articles are pitched and written) four times and created a single other contribution to the site in the form of a single post saying, “Why am I so damned wonderful?“
Basically Ono Sendai thought that he really, really had something to contribute to Cracked and that him and the other 50 or so people who comment every day are the finest example of the Cracked readership. Ono Sendai, who by his own admission is a 55-year-old man who lives with 3 cats and considers the people he talks to in the comments sections of a website as his only friends (fucking seriously). You’re probably expecting a dig or jab at this guy, but I’m not going to do that. Because “55-year-old man who live alone with cats and considers people in comments sections to be his only friends” is so fucking depressing by itself WordPress flagged this post as a suicide note when I wrote it.
These are people who comment on work someone else created on a website they’re reading for free, a website where they openly challenge anyone to do better and give them all the support they could ever want and then pay them 200 dollars to boot if they manage it. And they genuinely, truly believe that because they comment on an article (when comments are less than 1% of total views) that they accurately represent the entire readership and are entitled to demand an answer from someone who entertains them for free.
And here’s the thing, my fellow writers, people I’ve worked with, helped and been helped by are being insulted and mocked too for daring to defend a man who has turned his alcoholism and abuse into something positive to help others. A guy who wrote one of the articles that inspired me to write in the first place tried to stem the tide of bullshit and was instantly accused of sucking John Cheese’s dick. A feat that’s obviously impossible considering he’s rumoured to wear a wrist watch on it.
The worst part is, Cracked is still going, since that article went live Cracked has had millions of page views and will get millions more for years to come, John Cheese will get a traffic bonus for his article. All the while a tiny subsection of the sites entire readership are sitting around bitching about how they’re entitled to an opinion because they read and comment on articles first, massaging each others egos with promises that Cracked’s days are numbered because they’ve pissed off too many people. Even though less than half a percent of readers are even vocalizing that they care. They don’t even seem to realise the irony that they have exactly the same chance of accomplishing something as sperm during glorious gloved up sex and that the outcome is equally as unwanted.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that, yes, your opinions on the internet matter. Just don’t be an asshole about them and maybe people will actually listen instead of writing smartass blogs about you.