Meet the Most Hilariously Misguided People on the Internet (Update)

Update! Ono Sendai, (the guy this post is about) tried to comment on this piece earlier, he asked me why I couldn’t just ignore him, so I deleted his comment. Because I can and because fuck him.

A couple of days ago Cracked columnist John Cheese wrote this article about lazy, annoying jokes he personally dislikes, some of which were popular go to fodder for the comment section (which John doesn’t read) and for some reason, some more vocal users of the comment section didn’t like that and demanded an answer from him, personally, then told him to go fuck himself and then threatened to kill him. Because the best way to show someone you don’t appreciate being called names, is to threaten to kill them. Science!

I fully support him, if only because he's one of the only other white guys rocking a baseball cap.

I fully support him, if only because he’s one of the only other white guys rocking a baseball cap.

Due to the overwhelming amount of “John Cheese should start drinking again and die” comments, Cracked.com started deleting that shit. The overall result has been so overwhelmingly retarded it’s required reading material in the state of Texas.

The Cracked comment section is something of an oddity, every day, without fail, around a dozen people will make comments, usually within the first half an hour the article is live. These comments are invariably the top comments, I’ll admit that some of these guys do have genuine skills when it comes to making humour. But there’s a subtle difference between riffing on the work and pre-made audience of someone else and writing and researching an entire 3000 word article on celebrity fanboys. Or in the case of John Cheese, writing and editing a 3000 word article, per week along with the editing and moderator obligations of being a higher up on one of the biggest sites on the entire web. Also, for every half decent comment that makes a semi-decent or chuckle-worthy observation, you get ones like these.

And the worst part is, some of the commenter genuinely believe that what they do makes a difference. I’m not talking about the people who just comment for the hell of it, those guys cucumber cool, maybe even double cucumber cool. I’m talking about the people who have been commenting in this Reddit thread as if John Cheese’s article signals the end of Cracked as an entity, because they honestly believe that the comment section has that much power.

If you're wondering why comments were being deleted, it's because the people making them were assholes. And assholes aren't entitled to an opinion.

If you’re wondering why comments were being deleted, it’s because the people making them were assholes. And assholes aren’t entitled to an opinion.

If comment sections anywhere really held that much sway over the content of anything Justin Bieber would have shot himself in the dick with a nail gun after his first single. The only other people out there who think they’re actively making an active difference to something countless people are going to enjoy regardless of how much shit they do are the people who visit prostitutes and at least the gaping hole they’re prodding squeezes back if they do it hard enough.

One of the most vocal opposition to the article and now Cracked in general is a guy who commented under the name, Ono Sendai. An account that has now been banned so hard it erased his entire comment history, which I assume raised the collective IQ of everyone, everywhere. Now here’s where it gets sad.

A few weeks ago Cracked ran a call for new writers, basically they asked anyone who thought they could do better to step up and prove it. It’s the same one I saw three years and 40 articles ago, Ono Sendai commented about 6 times asking, nay begging someone to co-write an article with him. Of course, his comment history is deleted, so I could be lying, so here’s the next best thing, his post history. In which he asks to join the workshop (where articles are pitched and written) four times and created a single other contribution to the site in the form of a single post saying, “Why am I so damned wonderful?

This sums him up better than any thing I could say.

This sums him up better than any thing I could say.

Basically Ono Sendai thought that he really, really had something to contribute to Cracked and that him and the other 50 or so people who comment every day are the finest example of the Cracked readership. Ono Sendai, who by his own admission is a 55-year-old man who lives with 3 cats and considers the people he talks to in the comments sections of a website as his only friends (fucking seriously). You’re probably expecting a dig or jab at this guy, but I’m not going to do that. Because “55-year-old man who live alone with cats and considers people in comments sections to be his only friends” is so fucking depressing by itself WordPress flagged this post as a suicide note when I wrote it.

These are people who comment on work someone else created on a website they’re reading for free, a website where they openly challenge anyone to do better and give them all the support they could ever want and then pay them 200 dollars to boot if they manage it. And they genuinely, truly believe that because they comment on an article (when comments are less than 1% of total views) that they accurately represent the entire readership and are entitled to demand an answer from someone who entertains them for free.

And here’s the thing, my fellow writers, people I’ve worked with, helped and been helped by are being insulted and mocked too for daring to defend a man who has turned his alcoholism and abuse into something positive to help others. A guy who wrote one of the articles that inspired me to write in the first place tried to stem the tide of bullshit and was instantly accused of sucking John Cheese’s dick. A feat that’s obviously impossible considering he’s rumoured to wear a wrist watch on it.

The worst part is, Cracked is still going, since that article went live Cracked has had millions of page views and will get millions more for years to come, John Cheese will get a traffic bonus for his article. All the while a tiny subsection of the sites entire readership are sitting around bitching about how they’re entitled to an opinion because they read and comment on articles first, massaging each others egos with promises that Cracked’s days are numbered because they’ve pissed off too many people. Even though less than half a percent of readers are even vocalizing that they care. They don’t even seem to realise the irony that they have exactly the same chance of accomplishing something as sperm during glorious gloved up sex and that the outcome is equally as unwanted.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that, yes, your opinions on the internet matter. Just don’t be an asshole about them and maybe people will actually listen instead of writing smartass blogs about you.

39 thoughts on “Meet the Most Hilariously Misguided People on the Internet (Update)

  1. I still can not understand how this article riled up so much rage in people.
    I sometimes find Cheese too preachy at points and wavering over into being egotistical, but, I’ve come to expect that a bit when I’m reading his stuff. And even when I do come across moments where I get the vibe of those things, the article over all makes up for it and I come away having enjoyed it.
    Reading the article in question, I chuckled and deemed myself guilty of a few of the stated joke offenses, then moved on to see if Seanbaby had anything new. I can not grasp how some people read that piece and just flipped the fuck out and wanted to gouge Cheese’s eyes out with busted off baseball bats – I mean, it just seems unbelievable that those many people could get their shit so out of whack when told that certain things they do aren’t funny.

      • Everything you mention is not and never was about the article.

        To see how the commenters reacted to the article, look at the top-voted comments. You’ll find fake tears, fake group hugs, and numerous bad joke threads where people deliberately did everything Cheese had condemned in his article. It didn’t go any further than that, and it never would have if something else, something completely unrelated to the article, had not happened.

  2. Ono-Sendai just took over that blog.
    This is brilliant! He’s entering into a battle of words with Cracked writers. That’s like a mosquito challenging a 18 wheeler to a headbutting competition.

  3. I interacted with Ono Senadai about two or three times on that article. I was actually annoyed that Cracked let such bad material on (but I didn’t get close to making any personal attacks). I think my interacting with Ono Senadai led to my account getting perma-banned. It was crazy. I didn’t even notice for like 5 days either lol.

      • Wow that’s incredibly not true. I’ve never posted there, but I did watch the entire thing go down, from probably about 2 or 3 hours after the article was first posted. I saw the mass bannings and I can tell you that a huge number were just anyone showing any kind of support of the comment section and/or dislike of the article or Cheese (they didn’t have to be spamming or being a dick at all). The reason most people were annoyed was John Cheese’s twitter and tumblr, and then the cracked forums, were calling anyone who commented (ever – not just the dicks) child molesters and human cockroaches. They called every comment section a shit smeared room… they were the ones being dicks. And I say this as a non-commenter, so I was never personally affected. I just saw everything that happened and although it blew up and got ridiculous, the commenters were only responding to insults, they weren’t the cause.

      • So they brought up something none cracked related in the cracked comment section and aimed jabs at the author? I can’t see why comments like that would be deleted.

        Insulting the author of an article is a ban worthy offence. They have an entire thread dedicated to just that. The main rule of the cracked workshop and forums is “don’t be a dick”. Simply insulting someone because you disagree with them is pretty dickish.

        Plus, when cracked bans someone they do an ip ban. Which can catch people in that area. I’m not surprised there’s was collateral damage clearing up that mess.

        There are of course two sides to this. But one side is the guy getting death threats blowing off steam by insulting the faceless mob attacking him for a joke. The other side is thousands of people yelling at him because they don’t like being insulted by a guy who is paid to write insulting things.

        Thanks for reading.

      • “The main rule of the cracked workshop and forums is “don’t be a dick”.’

        People were being civilized and polite on the forums, but they still got banned anyways. Del March told Cheese that most people in the comments section loved him and were inspired by his stories and explained that people were upset by him insulting them on twitter.

        His response? He insinuated that Del March insulted him and began to insult Del March. Then Del March got banned and his post was deleted. Things simply got worse from there.

        Butt Chocolate was banned for PMing someone who got banned earlier, even though Butt Chocolate didn’t write anything offensive or inflammatory. Hell, he even condemned the people making death threats to Cheese (death threats that were written on facebook, not the Cracked comments section.)

      • I like Buttchocolate. He sends me nice messages sometimes.

        All I got from this comment is “You’re wrong and information from someone you don’t know who has a vested interest in proving Cracked is full of douchewads would prove it, but all the evidence has been deleted, also a guy was banned (but not really because he’s back now) for messaging someone who broke Cracked’s rules of being a dick.”

        I fail to see why any of that is suprising. Or how it affects my post about how people who are trying to boycott Cracked and have created a blog about documenting “the John Cheese incident” are kind of misguided. I mean come on, they’re all still reading Cracked, evidenced by the fact they keep talking about it.

        It’s just a bunch of people who are pissed because no one is taking them seriously and Cracked as an entity doesn’t want to tolerate bullshit any more. As one one of the writers who frequents its front page, I appreciate this gesture. Many posts on this very blog will attest to the bile we have to put up with. I understand that a few people come out of it badly (Like Butt Chocolate) but when you’re trying to scrub shit out of your carpet, you’re going to pull out some of the fibers.

  4. What do you think of the address posted in the comments section still not being deleted? The mods deleted other posts, except that one. You’d think it’d be the first one to go.

    • I presume by this point they’re simply too busy running the most successful comedy site on Earth to go through a 3 week old article and delete comments. As apposed to simply deleting ones that are brought to their attention.

      • Can you bring it to their attention please? I think they’ll most likely listen to a regular contributor than to some random dude. That comment should seriously be gone.

      • Yeah I agree with the above poster – no matter your opinion on this whole thing, it’s not cool to leave that address up there. It makes everything worse, for both sides, and is just a really stupid thing for the original poster of it to have done. Could you please let them know?

    • Maybe not relevant, since it just means any action will hurt some random elderly couple instead of Cheese, but that’s not actually his address. It WAS, over four years ago. The guy may have been creepy, but he isn’t anywhere near the genius vigilante hacker he thinks he is.

  5. How convenient you leave out half the story!

    Cheese insulted the readership on his Twitter and Facebook, calling them child fuckers and shit-smearing toddlers.
    Wong then took to the forums, calling the readership Cockroaches.
    Yes, they called EVERY reader of Cracked, past and present, cockroaches and pedophiles. Even you, Karl, were in that lot.

    These two fucked up big time. Even if a few morons decided to go too far, it should have been dealt with privately. I had nothing to do with the scandal, I was far from Cracked when it happened, so imagine my surprise when I woke up and I was told the Senior Editor of a humor website I like to visit called me a cockroach (and his friend called me a pedophile).

    Do I deserve something in return? Yes. A public, general apology.
    Do the banned deserve something (yes, many people were banned when the only thing they did was respectfully disagree with Cheese and Wong)? Yes. Funny thing is, there’s laws around the world protecting people who make accounts on websites. You can’t ban them just because you want to, seeing the account doesn’t belong to the admins but to the person who made it.

    • You don’t deserve shit. Cracked gives you free entertainment every single day, if anything, you owe them. The editors are entitled to their opinion, just like you’re entitled to yours.

      • Cracked may give us free entertainment, but the readers are the reason they’re still up. They give us free shit, we go to the site and make sure they’re still up and running. There’s a reason why Wong bans people who use Adblock, because, to quote the man himself: “If you use AdBlock, you’re stealing from the site. If enough people use AdBlock, Cracked dies…I lose my job, my family goes broke.”

      • Commenters make up less than 1% of Cracked total readership.

        If you don’t like it, go elsewhere. As long as Cracked provides quality content for free every day and pays people over the odds for writing it, it will always be there.

        If you think you can kill a website that gets 400 millions page views a month, power to you.

      • I never said commenters, I said readers. “readers are the reason they’re still up.” Readers as in me, you, the commenters, people on the board, people who read cracked but who don’t have an account, etc.

        I never said I didn’t like Cracked, you must be confusing me with someone else. I like Cracked. I never said I wanted to “kill it,” you must be confusing me with someone else.

        Again, Cracked may provide us with free entertainment, but the readers are the reason Cracked is still up. Cracked gets ad revenue for every person who views their site. Wong even said that if one uses adblock, they are “stealing from the site.” Those are his own words.

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  7. Hey Karl. No need to devote any more time to these people. I just checked out their blog. Did you see the part where Ono makes friends with the guy who referrers to us as “Cracked niggos” (http://johncheeseincident.blogspot.com/2012/12/why-im-doing-this.html) or when he later bonds with the same guy posting ICP lyrics (http://johncheeseincident.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-welcome-interlude-part-2.html#comment-form) later on? The worst part is that this guy is probably messing with him and he just doesn’t catch on to it.

    I guess my point is that these people are probably retarded. And I mean that not in the Massachusetts “Re-Tah-Did” sense of the word but rather that at one point a doctor told them that they had problems mentally. Seriously, I’m willing to bet that they have problems. My point is, let them have their blog and move on. They aren’t hurting anyone except themselves. It’s sad, but hey, there’s nothing we can do about it. If they keep going after you, just ignore it. Let it fade away like a burning candle or a movie starring The Rock.

    • I do have a few health issues, but unless I’m suffering from an undiagnosed early onset case of Alzheimer’s or something similar, mental retardation is not and never was on the list.

  8. I really hope your not being serious when you said there are laws against banning people. Because if you are ill feel really guilty about making fun of someone who is either 7 or mentally ill.

  9. I am handing over the blog to others, I am through. It was all done in anger and hurt because most of us were good people that felt insulted by Leighty and then Pargin in his treatment of the whole affair.

    Enough.

  10. I would like to go to Pargin to help get my old account back, (OnoSendai). I had almost 400 people on my friends list, including most of the writers. You said one time that we were a lot alike, so let’s see. I’m not making a new account just to send him a PM, I’m tired of that. My email is rastercaster1@gmail.com. Could you ask him for me, or, at least give him my address? I promise no more instigations, lol.

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  12. I wasn’t part of this, and I don’t want to be. I do, however, know that one of the best pieces of evidence towards the comment section being a positive force was a comment written along time ago by Ono_Sendai, and I was really sad to see it go with the rest of his comments. I know that sounds ridiculous, because comment sections aren’t supposed to be that meaningful, but some people are able to be more open in an anonymous and silly medium. And yeah, there is a lot of evidence towards that being a bad thing, but I have seen enough to know that the positives also exist.

    I’m not trying to say that this means he shouldn’t have been banned – I really have no idea. I just know that for every person who has been hurt by the power of anonymous people behind computers, there are many who were helped as well. They just don’t get reported as often. And I guess I’m a little sad Ono_Sendai is now solely known as one of those destructive agents, when he was a really positive one as well.

    I know, this makes me pretty lame, but I’m okay with that. Sorry to return to this so much later; Karl Smallwood I love your articles.

    • As far as I’m concerned he can go fuck himself.

      He’s racist, misogynistic and sociopathic dickhole. The things I discovered about him while researching this actually made me sad on the inside.

  13. I don’t know why people feel they have an inherent “right” to say or do as they please on the internet. Nowhere else in life can you act as you please without consequence. Whether you were justifiably or un-justifiably banned from commenting on a website is completely up to that site’s directors.

    Free speech has nothing to do with saying whatever the hell you please, wherever the hell you please without consequence. It simply guarantees your right to have your say in government dealings. You are free to dissent, you are free to have a differing opinion. You are not free to be an asswad.

    That said, if you ban me, so help me GOD, I will start a blogspot blog and be so mean towards you…SO MEAN!

  14. Karl, you’re starting to sound a lot like Cheese. Take a chill pill and shut the fuck up, yeah? Stupid cunt -_-

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