Internet Adventures 2. – Adventure Harder.

If you follow this blog, or any of my work at all, you’ll probably know that I’m very proud of the book I wrote and that I’ll link it whenever I get the chance. However few people know that I expect and plan to make no money from it. Internet Adventures the book, like this blog, is simply an outlet for work I can’t sell elsewhere, my own creativity and my thoughts. It was, more than anything, the physical/electrical embodiment of my innate desire to entertain people, it’s why I purposely made it as cheap as possible to buy and send free copies to anyone who asks nicely enough. I don’t care about making money from it, I just wanted people to read it.

The main purpose of the book was to catalogue 3 years of my life spent being a childish dick while at university, now that I write pretty much to support myself, that time is over, almost. Internet Adventures and the email exchanges contained in it are some of the most fun I’ve ever had writing and I promised myself that I would write a sequel, if I could make it funny enough. Below is the exchange that made me think I could pull that off. Also, I think it’s important that people see these exchanges so they know that being a dick to someone online has a consequence, even if it is just me posting it here for people to laugh at.

Estimated length? Even Amazon likes making Smallwood jokes. Fuck my life.

Estimated length? Even Amazon likes making Smallwood jokes. Fuck my life.

Late to the party!

As a person who spends a lot of time on the internet, I of course have opinions that I express through words. Unlike most of the people on the internet however, I get paid to do this. Think of it like sex, anyone can do it, but only people who do it well can get paid for it.

However, like with sex, sometimes I have off days and mess up so bad I have to apologise for something my fingers did. Which is what I did when I accidentally pissed off, well, everybody who plays fighting video games at a competitive level. After lengthy discussions, dozens of emails, tweets and comments I revised my opinion and admitted that I’d fucked up. I swallowed my pride and admitted that past Karl has been a dick, I even left up the original articles, so my stupidity at that moment in time could be forever immortalised online for anyone to see. However, in retrospect that may have been a mistake since months after everything blew over, I got this email demanding that I apologise.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

I just read your article on “Why fighting games are bad for gaming” and just wanted to tell you that it was the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever read and that if you’d done even a modicum of research you would have realised what a fucking joke it, and you are. Any site you write for should be embarrassed to be associated with your name and if I was you I’d be focussing on apologising to everyone I pissed off.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

Hello there and thanks for the email. It warms my black heart when people take time out of their day to insult strangers on the internet via email. It shows that people still respect the personal touch.

I already dealt with this issue several months ago when that article was published, as such, I’m a little of weary of hashing out the same points, please refer to the follow-up article I wrote on the subject. If you have any questions that aren’t addressed in it, I guess I’m happy to answer them if your tone remains as civil as your previous email. Seriously, it’s a great tone, use that shit for job applications.

[Link removed]

Cheers!

-

From [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

That article is also a complete joke, it’s not even a fucking apology. You should seriously feel ashamed of it, I can’t believe people pay you to write.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

I felt uncomfortable apologising as it felt like the easy way out, like I was robbing people of their right to be pissed off at me. Would you honestly have felt better knowing I’d immediately flip-flopped on my position the second people didn’t like it? Because if so, holy shit did I make the wrong call with that one.

Apologies can and do work, but I felt that apologising for an opinion I genuinely held at the time I wrote that article was insulting to both the people reading and myself. I chose to not retroactively alter my position because only shitheads try to do that. I made a stupid statement and admitted to it. I apologised for my lack of tact and research, not the opinions expressed.

There was no need to apologise because at the time I wrote that article, that was my opinion. I can’t apologise for the opinion a past version of myself held, that’s just stupid. When I was 10 I thought plastic bags grew in fields, that was stupid and I learned that it was wrong, this is the same kind of thing, I revised my opinion and noted how stupid I was. That should be enough.

I hope that makes sense.

Cheers!

-

From [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

No it doesn’t make sense and your just trying to dress up and hide the fact you majorly messed up with stupid, unfunny jokes.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

I’m trying to hide the fact I messed up? Which is why I left the original articles up completely free of edits and answered every email about it? If I laid out an arse biscuit on your floor and then stood next to it wearing a t-shirt proclaiming ownership over it, would you accuse me of trying to hide the fact I’d shit on your floor? Or would you come to the far more correct assumption that I’d done something wrong and wanted people to know that it was me and only me that was responsible?

I’m sorry for using a poop metaphor, but I felt that it would be something you’d identify with since I’m assuming that you’re used to living each day knowing it could spew uncontrollably from your mouth hole at any moment.

Cheers!

-

From [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

What does insulting me accomplish?

Real mature, dick.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

I was going to ask you the same thing.

Also, why are you ending your emails with things that you enjoy? Is that a thing people do these days?

-

From [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

I should have known you wouldn’t be a man about this.

Good luck with your “writing” career.

-

To [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

Yeah, because a real man would have meekly accepted criticism and verbal abuse and rolled over like someone kicked his kidneys in the vagina. I replied to your messages, a little bluntly I’ll admit, but no more bluntly than you first addressed me.

If you’d like to start this conversation again, all it would take is a small apology on your part and a token apology payment via paypal.

Cheers!

-

From [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

What? You’re joking right?

-

To [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

I never joke about money. Only poor people do that. Are you a poor person? Only a stupid poor person would refuse something as trivial as an apology payment.

Send me a fucking apology you piece of shit who is also bad in bed!

-

From [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

I’m not going to send you shit.

If you think I’m going to send you an apology after insulting me like that you’re out of your god damned mind.

-

From [redacted]

Subject: FGC article.

Exactly! I’m so glad we’re finally on the same page.

Cheers!

-

I’d like to point out that this guy was an exception to a rule, the majority of comments I got on this subject were actually really insightful and part of the reason I was so open to revising my opinion was how well people put across their issues with what I wrote.  

One thought on “Internet Adventures 2. – Adventure Harder.

  1. Nice, concise and very funny take-down. Also, very pleased that spelling and grammar have improved. Your witty rejoinders were getting lost in grating sentence-structure goofiness, before. My thanks for wanting to improve and stepping up. — And my own apologies for the stick-up-my-butt stylings; just got up after a long night working.

    Hey, I very much hope your sister is better. Other than being, y’know, your sister, it was obvious how much you loved and love her. My very best wishes for her continued recovery.

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