And You Thought Today’s Athletes Were Dicks?

Modern athletes have a reason to feel superior to us normal, not-able-to-punch-through-a-human-ribcage folk, mainly because they can punch through a human ribcage. And when you have the ability to do that, you’re allowed to walk around like you have the biggest dick in the room, even if you don’t.

However, I’d like to introduce you to Porphyrios, a Roman charioteer who walked into a synagogue and stabbed people at random, just because he could. He then walked out and was promptly arrested. Oh now wait, no one did shit, because when you’re a boss chariot racer people just have to let you be an asshole. There you have it folks, famous/powerful people being dicks isn’t a new thing, they’ve always been like that. The only difference is, hundreds of years ago they’d straight up stab you in the gut if they felt like it. Progress!

Pictured a charioteer and his stabbing knife, Lionel.

Pictured a charioteer and his stabbing knife, Lionel.

Read more, here.

Never forget.

Meet my Biggest Fan. Update!

Update: Warcorpse666, the subject of this article has made 3 videos criticising this article, in which he says that men only do things to get blowjobs from women. Suffice to say, I now, know that I never need to bother to respond to this guy ever again. Below is my favourite ever quote from him. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Never forget.

Never forget.

I get a lot of messages and emails about my work online, some are nice, some are critical and others are insane. However recently one person has proven that they are my biggest and most dedicated fan/troll by making not one but four fucking videos about me. To explain, a little while ago I wrote on article on this very website about Warcorpse666, a guy whose video response to a video about sexism in gaming I stumbled upon while on YouTube. Amazed at his mastery of the spoken word, I took some of his more choice quotes and labeled them as sexist. Continue reading

The 5 Most Stupid Displays Of Superhero Powers in Comic History

Every now and again I’ll have an article rejected after it was accepted and written, this is one such article for a new site I’ll be contributing to called Distractify.com, they changed the kind of content they were looking for so I thought I’d share it here. Enjoy.

Superheroes and comics have been a pop culture staple for decades, in that time many superheroes have become noticeably more powerful to cater to readers who are constantly demanding that their favourite hero surpasses themselves by uppercutting a person’s skeleton right out of their fucking body. Continue reading

Why No One Will Ever Credit Me for The Most Popular Thing I’ve Ever Written

Edit: I honestly thought this was all done and dusted, but earlier today, Wil Fucking Wheaton shared the joke again, on Tumblr and it’s currently getting hundreds of thousands of views, AGAIN! For those of you who aren’t familiar with what the hell I’m talking about, I’m the original creator of this image.

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Chances are you’ve seen it or at least an edited version of it. I’d actually, honestly be surprised if you haven’t seen the image above because it has been shared, tweeted, liked and reblogged millions of times. In fact, it is easily the best received and most viewed piece of writing I’ve ever done and no one will ever know it was me because some fucker on Reddit blurred out my name. For the record, at the time of writing this I’m a freelance writer and pages views literally pay my bills and feed me. If you stumbled across a blurred version of the image above, please share the original, or the version I posted to Twitter and feel free to tell the person posting it the guy who wrote the joke is super happy they liked it.

Below is the original article I wrote on this subject when it went viral the first time.

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I’ve been writing for a while now and in that time I’ve had a few things go viral. For example, one of the things I’ve helped write for Cracked currently has 6 million views and counting. However, that’s something published through Cracked, they already have a fairly sizeable audience. The dream for all writers, or indeed any content creator is to having something they’ve created go viral purely off of its own merits. A few weeks ago I had that, and no one knew it was me. Continue reading

Hypocrisy is a dish best served lukewarm

Readers of this blog will know that from time to time I’ll use it as a platform to make fun of someone’s ideas or words when I find them particularly offensive or unpalatable. Today when I logged onto Facebook I saw the following post on my wall.

efwefwefwefNow reader’s of this blog will know that’s it takes an exceptional circumstance for me to physically name and shame someone on my site, so I’ll be blocking out all names with the exception of my own and Meagan’s (Since she’s put her information out there for the public to see I see no problem in using her name here) from here on out. But yeah, in a nutshell the person linking that article on my wall wanted me to write or consider writing an article about, in his own words the “very one-sided and very White-Knightish” articles from women who are overly sensitive to sexism in gaming. Like the one he linked on my wall. But first things first, to show I’m not picking on anybody unfairly, here’s an embarrassing picture of me looking like a dick at my graduation.

526165_10152290317810612_2068969164_nFor those of you who can’t be bothered to click that link above. Basically the lady in question was at PAX and was in charge of a bunch of ladies dressed as Lara Croft, in other words she was living out my dream. When she noticed that a guy asked some of the women cosplaying Lara a really awkward probing question about what it felt like to know not a single guy could pork them just right. She, for some reason, took offense, asked him to explain himself, he refused and walked away. When she tried to confront him he became loud, aggressive and yelled in her face before legging it, in return she got him banned from the event. Fucking booyah! Another sexist douche backhanded by the sweet tender hand of lady justice. But wait, that’s not actually what happened, how does little old me know you ask? Well the guy in question happened to comment to fill me in on what really happened that day.

rewfewfwqefweqfwefSee, his awkward question about these women’s sex life was a joke on the dozens of guys currently eye fucking them, if anything, it was a compliment, right ladies? I mean, who doesn’t like strange guys they don’t know from Adam referring to them as a sex object, especially when they’re roleplaying a character specifically redesigned to make into a more relatable symbol of female empowerment. This guy was just trying to lighten the mood with some friendly sex based banter and Meagan up there came barging in like a rhino made of dicks, took everything the wrong way and got him banned from the event for life. Anyway you look at it, that’s at least a little bit of an overreaction. Was my reaction until he followed up with this comment.

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For a guy getting worked up about a woman over reacting he sure used a lot of periods, huh?

Yeah, how dare this lady take offense to me asking a bunch of women she’s in charge of making sure aren’t harassed then get pissy when I yelled in her face and stormed off. But whatever, this guy was still hurting, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I really, really did. Even though he’d basically just crammed every single piece of self-entitled MRA infused bullshit he could think of into a single sentence so retarded his shift key stopped working.

And hey, I guess I was right to give him that benefit because as it turned out, according to him, he totally informed those ladies that he was going to ask them the question that Meagan up there got so annoyed about. So him being banned was completely unfair, well, except for the part where he was loud and dismissive to one of the people helping run the entire fucking event, a fact he seemed blissfully unaware of.

However, that’s when it hit me. They were both basically crucifying this lady for daring to overreact to something trivial and then complaining about it online, by bitching about it, online. Seriously, this is an excerpt of the conversation. Look at it, they’re not pissed about sexism or gaming, they’re just using that as a reason to be pissed that this lady didn’t get their awesome and original joke about people eye porking booth babes and told them to fuck off.

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You see, it’s THE INDUSTRIES fault that this lady got offended by my joke, not mine.

See that last line, they’re annoyed that Meagan was using the whole thing to push her modelling career by playing the victim and running to her friends and followers to rally around and support her. Now I have no opinion about that, but here’s a tip for everyone reading. If you want to take a pot shot at somebody for playing the victim and getting their friends to big them up and make fun of someone they felt slighted them and want me to write an article about it. Don’t do the exact same fucking thing on your own Facebook wall. Because, you know what, I’ll see that shit and screencap a cap in its ass.

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I almost got lead poisoning from the amount of irony present.

I read through that entire thread before unfriending the person who posted it, basically it was just 70 comments of ripping into this woman for being a thin-skinned shithead for feeling the need to run to her internet friends to make fun of a person she didn’t like. Because yeah, what kind of a dick would do something like that?

LAST ONEENE

It’s the 4th to last comment that inspired me to write this blog post. Believe it or not, that comment using rape as way of scoring cheap laughs was the same guy who originally posted Meagan’s article on my wall. The same guy who wanted me to write an article lambasting women for being overly sensitive about people making sexist remarks from guys who don’t really mean them. All while he was making light of rape and sexism in private with the guy he assured me wasn’t being a sexist dick at PAX. Newsflash shit for brains, if you’re inclined to make remarks like that in private, you’re probably a teensie bit sexist, or, at the very least, a douche. Either way, if you’re banned from a place for someone accusing you of being sexist, making light of rape probably isn’t the best way to convince people outside of your friend group that you’re not.

Now this may seem like an odd position, but, you know what, fuck making light of rape and fuck the people who do. There are things you just don’t make into jokes, not because of some white knight bullshit, but because it’s common human decency to not make light of something so horrible.When I pointed out that I’d noticed this comment and was in fact planning on writing this very post, this was the guy’s response.

If you're wondering who liked his comment. He did. He liked his own comment about rape.

If you’re wondering who liked his comment. He did. He liked his own comment about rape. Also, he’s 30 years old.

Yeah, I should totally be objective and lighten up, it’s not like he made fun of a rape victim, he just used rape as comedy fodder, because that’s something people apparently do on Facebook. LOL!

But hey, let’s get serious here. The reason I posted this article is twofold. One, if you’re going to criticise someone online or scrutinise their position or words, expect the same to be done to you. And two, if you want to convince people that you’re not a sexist dick, don’t be a sexist dick when you think no one is looking. Because this is the internet, someone is always going to be looking.

The Start of Something Magical

A few weeks ago I issued my challenge for people to change the entire world by being nice to someone on the internet they felt deserved more recognition. Today I’m going to announce the winner of the challenge and more importantly, the winner of the 50 dollar prize. But first, the runners-up.

For those of you just reading this. A few weeks ago I decided that I wanted to fix the entire fucking world, and that the best way to do such a thing was to offer people money. My first challenge asking people to buy cookies for a stranger went down faster than you mother/sister/girlfriend (delete as appropriate). By which I mean, no one, not a single person entered. However, I’m persistent and soldiered on and issued a new challenge. To promote the work of someone you felt deserved it and send them a nice message, that was it.

The idea being that those kind words and extra views would make that person feel better. I’m pleased to say that quite a number of people did that. LikeĀ  Mr Andy Byrd who shared the work of one Mr Tom O’Brien. A man who once a week releases a unique piano composition video, you can find these videos, right the fuck here!

TOB

Or like this entry from Mr Chris Rio who wanted to support his friend’s fund raising campaign.

SaveTheWorld

If you’re looking at this thinking, wait, all they’re doing is sending out a tweet, yes it really was that easy to enter. Of course people were free to do more, like Chris May who dedicated an entire Tumblr post to people he felt deserved more recognition.

Hell, people were even free to simply link to things their friend’s have done, like Stewart here who linked and promoted his friend’s awesomely named blog, 28 dates later. In which he tried to discover if all women everywhere are zombies.

Even lack of printscreen was no barrier to entering.

Even lack of printscreen was no barrier to entering.

However, there could only be one winner and the winner astounded me when I informed them about their win. Why, well, just read the reply I got when I informed them that they’d won.

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I’m anything but a man of my word, so I’ve blocked out their name as per their request. As for their entries, they too astounded me by proving exactly what I set out to do. Now our mystery man up there plugged and sent nice messages to 4 different people. An artist who makes awesomely realistic drawings. A video game reviewer. A rapper. And an author. Now I was sent proof of all of these, but I’d like to share two images, because hopefully this will show exactly what I set out to do. Now our mystery man, in addition to plugging the work of these people also sent each of them a nice message, these were some of his responses.

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4That, that is what I was going for. Those few seconds taken out of your day, those few seconds that make no impact on your life whatsoever if wasted, can be used to greatly improve the day of another human being with minimal effort.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is how we’re going to fix the world. Tune in next month for another challenge!

For the cynical among you, here’s the receipt of me sending our winner their prize no less than an hour ago.

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