Small man syndrome.

I’ve no idea what the hell small man syndrome is, it just seemed like a witty title to go with what I’m about to write.

I’ve always believed I was a tall individual, going on the only measuring tool I had available, my family. Going by the fact I was taller than my entire immediate family, they made a rough guess that I was around 6ft 5 a figure that stuck in my mind. It’s above average without being so tall birds flew into my face on a bi-weekly basis, it was a good height.

A few days ago however I was measured using actual measuring tools and the actual height sits at between 6ft 3 and 6ft 4 dependant on how compressed my spine is. Which is actually a real fucking thing. Despite the fact I just discovered my spine was being crushed by a combination of my own body and gravity, that inch really got to me.

Fuck you standardised measurements!

It was like being told I sucked by a tape measure and that’s a pain that doesn’t go away.You might be thinking I sound incredibly petty or childish for being so worked up about this that I actually felt the need to share it as opposed to posting more funny pictures. (I’ll post more in my own time damn it!). Well it all stems from my last name, the one emblazened across the top of this very page.

Smallwood is not an easy name to grow up with, even now at the age of twenty people still find it humorous or even straight up laugh when they hear it. At my age I’ve heard them all, but I still remember those barbs from when I was younger. I always used to hope that I’d grow up to be tall purely to say fuck you to my last name. Finding out I was shorter was like being turned into a child again.

Now anyone who’s being bullied knows the things that hurt the most are the things you can’t help. They’re the insults that stay with you forever, the ones that tack themselves onto your personality and help mold you as a person. It was only when I realised that the people who said those things were dicks that I realised it didn’t matter.

What did matter is that I caught a mouse that was only an inch long, which of course made me realise it’s not that big a deal.

Also, OH MY GOD SO CUTE!!!!!

Well that’s just fabulous.

Let me just start by saying I don’t care what you have in your pants and what you do with it. That’s your business not mine.

I personally enjoy the finer aspects of the female form, but fully understand some people don’t, hey and that’s cool. The other day though I saw this story, about a school choir that weren’t allowed to sing a song by the band Queen, due to the fact the lead singer Freddie Fucking Mercury was gay.

Pictured: Freddie Fucking Mercury’s Moustache!

If you read the story you’ll see only one “concerned” parent felt that the song Bohemian Rhapsody wasn’t appropriate for the schools graduation, just as a quick reminder this is one of the most highly acclaimed songs in modern musical history. Simply because Freddie Fucking Mercury was gay. The weird part is the schools choir had already performed the song before, hell it’s a staple of any good party to play at least one Queen song.

I understand some people are old-fashioned, that homosexuality is something that genuinely makes people uncomfortable or even angry. I just don’t understand why a song sung two decades ago is still able to make these people uncomfortable.

I was then made aware of the many, many adventures of George Fucking Takei. That particular video is him proposing people use the word Takei instead of gay, in response to a bill that would ban the use of the word gay in certain schools. Needless to say I now love George Fucking Takei.

I believe a moustache simply wouldn’t be able to survive the sheer coolness of this face.

This gave me a horribly conflicted feeling, on one hand people seem intent on sweeping the issue briskly under the carpet, on the other George Fucking Takei and others seemed to be tearing up that carpet just as fast. So I’d like to place my support squarely on the side tearing up that carpet. Mainly because it’s an ugly carpet and I’m sure we can find a much better colour that totally goes better with the room.

They have the know how!

Packing heat.

I was talking to some friends the other day, yes I have friends. We were chatting about everything and anything when the conversation turned to what part of your body you liked the most. One girl casually mentioned that she had small dainty, woman like hands. To keep the conversation flowing I mentioned that I had spider hands.

In my head this made perfect sense, but it was met with a confused silence, so I continued, “oh my hands are strange and spider-like, I can pick up a DVD length ways with them”. By this I meant that I have thing fingers, but everyone else seemed to be sharing an inside joke I wasn’t familiar with. First things first.

Finish him!

I know that on the internet it’s pics or it didn’t happen.  Anyway this really got confusing until somebody finally told me there is supposed to be a link between dong size and hand size, hence the giggling.

Now I’m not going to start talking about my junk, my ex-girlfriend spread that stuff as far and wide as the internet would allow, so I really don’t need to mention it. What I did realise though was that these were grown ups. Sure we were in our 20’s, but they all had jobs, careers hell even relationships and there we were talking about dongs and that was freaking awesome.

Now I don’t mean that I was enjoying the topic of conversation being my dong, I enjoyed that despite the fact that we were all adults, we still laughed at that kind of thing. The day it’s no longer funny to laugh at a dick joke is a day I do not look forward to, the day I don’t laugh when a friend farts, that’s going to be a very sad day indeed.

So in the spirit of finding joy and humour in stupid things, here are some random photos I’ve taken of things that make me giggle.

A burger I genuinely received that was screaming at me, IT’S SCREAMING!

A lamp shade that’s shadow looked like a pacman ghost.

The happiest glass of coke I’ve ever had.

Don’t I buy my little sister the best made toys?

That giraffe always makes me laugh, it’s almost as if the guy making it gave up half way through and couldn’t even be bother to make the legs bend the right fucking way.