Late to the party.

This is one of my unpublished Cracked writings. It was cut from this article, so can only be found here, how awesome is that? The premise was movies that ignored objects that could have changed the world.

Jumanji

The Throw Away Scene

After finally managing to complete the evil board game and ridding himself of the curse of turning into Robin Williams, a young boy and his female companion go back to being children after 26 years stuck in the terrifying world of Jumanji.

Why It Should Have Changed Everything.

Lets just backup a second here, this thing is a fucking time machine and not just any time machine, one that lets you return to the past with all knowledge you gained from the future. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you could use this thing to become a millionaire in one game, stock markets, lottery wins and inventing the shit out of things that hadn’t been invented yet. Before anyone tries to point out the game tries to kill you just remember that this kid managed to survive inside the game for 30 fucking years.


The face of a stone cold badass

Now thats small term thinking, they wouldn’t even need to play it again to be rich, we’re pretty sure there is an eccentric billionaire with the resources to deal with a few giant spiders who also wanted to live forever who would buy it from them, then it’s his problem. As an added bonus every few turns he would get a whole herd of animals to shoot at, guilt free, including rare and extinct ones, yeah the game can do that too.


FUCK PETA!

Now this is just for personal gain, imagine if a government got a hold of this game , it could take over the entire fucking world. Every military engagement would be a complete victory, did you lose that battle? Replay it as many times you want and next time look out for the tanks in Syria. It’s like groundhog day, if Bill Murray was hellbent on taking over the free world.

This game also had the potential to solve all of the worlds problems. Think about it, all the greatest minds on earth would have an enternity to cure cancer, develop clean energy and make us live forever. And two kids tied it to a rock and threw it into a river.


It only tried to kill them a little.

2 thoughts on “Late to the party.

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