I want candy

I envy Americans, not for their stunning good looks, the way they compose jazz or even the fact that they give off a strange gas that chokes people near them not used to the sweet air of freedom present in America.

No I envy them for their almost unlimited access to American Candy, or breakfast as I believe it is called in America.

My first experience with American candy was in the form of a Hershey’s chocolate bar, and I’ll admit I was impressed. Not by the flavour of course, it taste like I was being mouth punched by a sweaty man with dirty hands. No what I was impressed by was the contents. A 43 gram bar that was nearly 50% sugar, the rest of it was almost pure fat.

Seriously just inject this into your eye’s it would be far easier

It was so ridiculously unhealthy I was afraid of putting the damn thing into my fridge because I had an apple in there, and was fully expecting that if I put the bar next to the apple, I would wake up with two Hershey bars or at the very least see the apple wither and die before my very eyes.

But that’s why it was fucking awesome, something so unhealthy your tongue makes it taste like shit in a feeble attempt to make you not eat it. But it doesn’t works, it just doesn’t fucking work. I ate the whole thing, I knew it was bad for me and I knew that it didn’t taste nice, but I still ate the entire thing.

The same thing happened with Twinkies, although I will place it above a Hershey bar for the simple fact it at least warns you what your arteries will look like after eating it.

I knew that it was pretty much the food equivalent of shooting myself in the heart and I cried for a few minutes afterwords, but I ate it and for some reason I enjoyed it, I enjoyed the shit out of it. You know how far you have to run to burn off a Twinkie? 2 fucking miles! Did I care? Like hell I did.

I’m training for a zombie apocalypse, I can’t afford set backs like that. That’s two miles I had to run just to remove the guilt of eating a Twinkie, you know how I reacted to it, with a fucking Twinkie!

And that’s why I envy Americans, these snacks are so ingrained in their culture, they don’t notice them. Comparing them to British snacks is like comparing apples and oranges. If the oranges physically caused the apples to explode themselves through sheer inadequacy. Hint: oranges are American candy.

2 thoughts on “I want candy

  1. It’s funny, though; I grew up with twinkies, I could literally walk into a gas station right now and buy a pack for spare change, and I’ve never liked them.

    These, however, were my doom growing up: http://littledebbie.com/products/NuttyBars.asp
    http://littledebbie.com/products/SwissCake.asp
    http://littledebbie.com/products/OatmealPies.asp

    There is, to the best of my knowledge, absolutely no ingredient in those things that exists in nature, other than fat and sugar. But they were just… they were basically kid-crack.

    Now I’m a grownup, of course, I enjoy only the finest, most sophisticated snacks. Like these: http://www.amazon.com/Fruit-Gushers-Flavored-Variety-12-Count/dp/B000EMK48W

  2. I’m a Brit who’s half German and grew up with a Yank friend, so I know fat. Their ‘nutter fluffer’, which isn’t a porn based on the M&M boys, but peanut butter and marshmallow fluff. And i fucking love them. I also know even talking about them will make you gain weight and die.

    My German side loves schmaltz, which is goose fat with apple in it. Oh, and fried bacon as, clearly, the Germans found it too healthy.

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