Acid tongues and venomous emails.

I’m normally a very stoic person, however I recently moved and the state of my house caused me to send the following email. I’ve retracted all the names pending their reply. For reference it’s an 11 bedroom house I will be sharing with 10 other people, all the cleaning has been done by me.

Dear [name removed]

I’m writing about the state of [address removed]. I’ve been here for around 2 days and have noticed the following problems.

The largest upstairs bathrooms was both dirty and in a state disrepair, whilst attempting to clean the sinks I noticed that neither one would drain properly. Although this saves me valuable seconds inserting a plug to stop the water draining I’m finding this time is lost attempting to throw the water out of the window using my hands as a rudimentary scoop.

Of the two toilets present in this bathroom one is incredibly dirty, I attempted to use the rudimentary scoop method above to clean it but found it became a vicious circle when I attempted to wash my hands in the sink.

In addition to this, the downstairs bathroom was also rather dirty, specifically a large number of cigarette butts and ash were present. Leading me to suspect a group of rogue school children have began using the bathroom to smoke, as children are inclined to do.

I would also like to compliment you on having the first group of ninja cleaners, as despite your repeated assurances the house would be attended to by said cleaners, they never arrived, or did they? Although I was in the entire time you said they would be cleaning I never once heard or saw anyone. If they’re not ninjas and just incredibly shy, please tell them I was only naked due to how warm the house was that day.

The front room was also incredibly dirty, upon removing the sofa cushions I found a spoon, a rubber duck, a glove and a bottle of unopened beer. As well as this the carpet of the entire room is covered in stains. I’d like to request you clean the carpet, although I suspect it would be easier to simply make a few more stains and keep the carpet that colour instead.

the kitchens were also both dirty, cluttered and covered in spiders, whom I suspect were also rather dirty. I managed to kill a large number of them, before I discovered their nest in one of the storage areas. This storing area belongs to the spiders now, as I lacked the necessary tools to kill them all, if your company has a flamethrower I would suggest your cleaners bring it the next time they come to the house.

I also noticed that one of the kitchens had a damaged power outlet, I initially believed this to be a safety hazard until I noticed the other power outlet was in a similar state. It was then that I realised this was a stylistic choice you had made when decorating the house.

It’s retro chic baby!

I’d also like to point out to your cleaners that stainless steel isn’t named ironically, with a simple wipe of a cloth, all but the toughest of stains will come out, like so.


Since I have cleaned the entire house, essentially doing the job of your “cleaners” I’d like to ask for a token remuneration for the time, effort and cost incurred to myself. For reference, I like cake.

Regards, Karl Smallwood.


One thought on “Acid tongues and venomous emails.

  1. Pingback: One last hurrah. « Internet adventures

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