My landlord responded to the post I made last week, however my internet was cut off so I was unable to share it, or my reply. So I’m now using my mobile phone as a modem, fueled by my pure rage I was able to update this and share my story. The following is the response to my first email followed by my second list of complaints. Due to the shitty nature of my phone, there are no pictures, sorry.
To Carl Smallwood.
Re: Problems with your house.
Karl, we are sorry to hear about the problems with your house. We strive to make sure all our properties are fit for living prior to moving in, however you have to understand time constraints mean we can’t fix every problem straight away.
We have forwarded your complaints to our maintenance team and will notify you of any updates.
Regards [name retracted]
To [name retracted]
Re. Re: Problems with house.
Hi, first and foremost I would like to thank you for your short and courteous reply, almost like a stock email template you use to placate angry tenants. Still though the fact you took the time to copy and paste the response is heart warming. I’d also like to congratulate you on the fact your letting agency is leading the way with the hiring of the disabled. I say this because despite having my name on your tenancy agreement, the email I sent and in the email address you sent the reply to you still managed to spell it wrong.
In addition to the original list I sent you, I would like to add the following.
I would like to thank you for the gift of pots and pans you left in my kitchen, however I would much prefer it if you sent someone out to take them away as there is a thick layer of grease and fat present on them and it reminds me of my ex girlfriend. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but I would also like you to take the plates of food you left me back as I don’t like mushrooms. However I suspect that if you simply leave the plates a few more days the food will gain sentience and simply leave on its own.
I would also like for you to install some sort of blind or curtains in my downstairs bathroom, as the only thing separating my imitations of a fire truck while peeing from the rest of the world is a sheet of clear plate glass. The house across the street saw me peeing the other day and I have been inundated with flowers and gifts from the women who live there, could you send someone out to collect and dispose of these as it’s giving the mice who live here sneezing fits.
Oh yes I have mice. Which confused me as you said I wasn’t allowed pets? Were they a gift? If so I’d like to request you remove all the poison you threw around my home as I don’t like finding dead mice in my shoes. I would be much happier if you replaced them with humane traps so I could taunt them with my superior human intellect and then release them into the wild. Or into the pub next door, I haven’t decided yet.
Could you also fix my back gate? You have put up a padlock which is great no one has broken in yet however your padlock is so good I can’t get out. Although I did enjoy pretending I was locked in a prison cell this feeling quickly passed when I realised I am unable to take out my rubbish, the mice were very pleased though before they all died from their poison wounds.
Finally please for the love of god send out your ninja cleaners again, I found a 4 month old kebab festering a drawer. I would have removed it myself but I lack the proper biohazard gear or faith in humanity to go anywhere near it. I suspect it may have been an attempt from a previous tenant to annoy you. Which I don’t understand because you seem really on the ball to me.
Regards Karl Smallwood