In the vein of my last abridged script, I decided to do the same thing for a videogame. Of course I picked motherfucking Halo!
Halo – The Abridged Script.
Wakes up in Halo goes to sleep in Halo 3, that means this guys saved the universe in a single day.
The game opens with Master Chief waking up on a ship that is just about to be attacked, but he doesn’t know that yet.
Soldier: Hello Master Chief, you are super soldier feared and respected throughout the universe by enemy and friend alike, countless enemy deaths have been committed by your skilled hand. Would you mind looking at these lights for me to make sure you know how to turn your head?
Master Chief: Ok sure, you obviously woke me for a reason, what’s up?
Soldier: The commander wants to see you, go there now.
Master Chief: Wait you’re telling me what to do? I thought I was a badass?
Soldier: We aren’t paying you to talk.
Master Chief: You aren’t paying me at all.
Soldier: Piss off.
Master Chief then goes to see the Captain Keyes just as the ship is attacked.
Captain Keyes: Holy shit, we’re being attacked by an alien race, of course my first instinct is to sacrifice the entire ship.
Master Chief: Wait, this place is full of soldiers and weapons, shouldn’t we try to fight them before we essentially destroy our only stronghold.
Captain Keyes: Nope, I much prefer the idea of using escape pods to land on that ring world we’ve never heard of and then crashing the ship.
Master Chief: Sounds like a top-notch plan, can I have a weapon to fight my way out of here?
Captain Keyes: Sure here is a handgun, there are a dozen soldiers in here with assault rifles and grenades but the pistol should suffice.
Master Chief: *Sigh
Master Chief then fights his way off the ship and crash lands on the planet below.
Master Chief: Shit, everyone is dead these escape pods fucking suck.
Cortana: Chief we need to go find some survivors, there are some pods over there.
Master Chief: Seriously? We landed under optimal conditions and everyone in this one died, what are the odds the others will be in any shape to help me?
Cortana: You’re the Chief, be a fucking hero already. Oh and you’ll have to walk all the way there.
Master Chief: Motherfucker.
Master Chief fights his was through waves of alien bad guys finally finding the purpose of the mysterious ring world.
Cortana: Oh no, this ring is a weapon, it’s purpose is to destroy the entire universe.
Master Chief: Wait, what? What kind of bullshit weapon is that?
Cortana: It was apparently designed to kill all sentient life in the universe.
Master Chief: Why not simply set it to kill all sentient life in the universe, except the people who made it?
Cortana: Chief you can’t possibly understand this, go shoot things.
Master Chief: Fine I will, but only because I want to.
Master Chief shoots more aliens and discovers more about the world of Halo that approximately no one gives a shit about. Until he encounters the flood.
Master Chief: Holy crap, what is this new enemy?
Cortana: This must be the enemy that required a weapon capable of killing the entire universe to stop.
Master Chief: Wait you mean these sacks of exploding shit that can’t survive a single bullet? This is the enemy that can’t be stopped, bearing in mind our enemy at the moment has floating tanks and laser beams.
Cortana: It can take over any organic creature, it has the potential to destroy the universe.
Master Chief: I’m pretty sure it can’t fly a spaceship, or get through doors, why is this thing so dangerous again?
Cortana: Play the game on legendary and then say that.
Master Chief then decides to blow up the planet with the pillar of autumns reactor, killing the flood and saving the universe.
Master Chief: Shit, I need to blow up this manually, I never saw that coming, man this game has such original set pieces.
Cortana: Stop complaining and drive this warthog all the way to the ship.
Master Chief: Can’t I steal a banshee? Or you know do anything that doesn’t involve riding a car that’s as stable as you are in the third game.
Cortana: No, now blow up the station and fly away into the sunset, no ones ever done that before, the fans will love it.
Master Chief then blows up Halo and flies away just in time (who would have guessed) onto his next adventure.
Cortana: We did it chief.
Master Chief: FUCKING WE?