Halo 3 – The Abridged Script

To paraphrase Master Chief I may as well finish this. The final explosive chapter of the Halo franchise, bullshit ommitted.

Halo 3 – The Abridged Script.

Sadly personal sized boob bombs didn’t make it into the final game.

The game opens with Master Chief falling from orbit, that’s right, from fucking orbit, this game delivers baby.

Soldier: We found him, do you think he’s ok?

Sgt Johnson: He fell from space, despite the fact he couldn’t survive a 40ft fall in the last game, so my guess is he’s perfectly fine.

Master Chief: Shit yeah I’m fine, look how nicely rendered this armour is, I look great.

Sgt Johnson: Chief you’ve literally just woken up from falling 15 miles and smashing at 300 MPH into the ground, are you ready to fight?

Master Chief: Can I have 5 minutes to recover or your know pull the grass out of my ass?

Sgt Johnson: No.

Suddenly Master Chief spots a cloaked elite, he keenly takes a gun and places it to the elites face.

Arbiter: Wait, Spartan, I am your ally.

Master Chief: Then why the fuck are you creeping around like a rapist?

Arbiter: I was scouting the area, come, we will be partners.

Master Chief: Sweet, a partner with the ability to turn invisible could be really helpful.

Arbiter: Actually I will never use that ability again, despite the fact I just proved that I can turn invisible enough to fool all but a highly trained special forces unit.

Master Chief: You’re right if the enemy can’t see us, how will they know where to shoot? I’m so silly.

The Chief and the Arbiter then kick all the alien ass, literally all of it, your allies in this game are fucking useless. When they discover that a forerunner artifact is located on Earth.

Master Chief: Holy shit, we need to fight our way to that.

Arbiter: Despite the fact the very fate of the universe rests on our shoulders and have access to the unlimited technology of two entire races, I suggest we walk.

Master Chief: Agreed.

surprisingly enough they don’t make it on time and the Covenant activate the device. A flood ship then crashes on Earth.

Master Chief: The flood, fuck that, didn’t bungie realise no one fucking likes the flood?

Flood: Come on Chief, now we come in different forms and you can use a flamethrower on us, just like in a zombie movie. Give us a chance.

Master Chief: Wait, that actually sounds pretty cool, ok, where do I get a flamethrower.

Flood: There is one, with almost no ammo hidden somewhere on this level, you will never find another one. HAHAHAHAHA

Master Chief: I hate you.

After killing approximately a million pieces of the flood Master Chief rescues Cortana, they stop to talk about a plan with the elites.

Elite General: I just used an awesome laser to turn part of your planet to glass, killing the flood.

Master Chief: Thank you, say that weapon is pretty fucking handy have you ever thought of you know, using it to attack our enemies instead of just landscaping?

Elite General: No, we only use it to glass planets, in fact the Arbiter was the only thing stopping me from destroying all of Earth.

Master Chief: Are you sure it’s wise to say that with the only person on Earth capable of ripping your head off with his bare hands stood right in fucking front of you?

Elite General: Bring it.

Cortana: Enough, we need to stop the flood, again, by blowing a ships reactor core, erm, again.

Master Chief: Great.

Master Chief then fights more of the flood, before coming face to face with the cause of all of this, but the Arbiter stabs him in the face with a sword. The Chief then has to actually activate Halo, but because he’s doing it early it will only blow up the installation, not the universe.

Guilty Spark: I can’t let you do that Chief.

Master Chief: This Spartan Laser says otherwise.

Guilty Spark: You’re totally right, activate it by all means.

Master Chief: Ok done, I’m curious about the awesome final set piece to this game.

Cortana: You need to climb in a warthog …

Master Chief: And escape before the world explodes?

Cortana: Yes, how could you possibly know that, it was so original?

Master Chief then escapes but only just, he becomes lost in space, a poignant and emotional end that leaves the viewers imagination in charge of what happens next. Actually no wait, Halo 4 is totally a thing now.


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