Guns are for show.

This was another deleted section from my article on misuses of military hardware.

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« on: January 12, 2011, 06:57 AM »

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Some people look at a pile of expensive military hardware and see a bunch of devices used for the taking of precious human life. Some people though look at it though and a light goes off in their head, a light that says holy shit we could totally use this shit for something else. Something like.

Riot Shields.

Ah the humble riot shield, whether it’s protecting you from bricks and insults being launched in your direction, or  oppressing your freedom, this thing is damn useful. Made from hardened plastic that can sometimes be strong enough to soak up gunfire. It’s not just a piece of plastic, it’s a piece of plastic with words written on it that lets you assert your dominance over other people.

Like a mastercard.

It also holds the distinct honour of being one of the few items of body protection with the ability to actually protect your junk. Wouldn’t it be great though if we could use them for something else though, something that doesn’t involve shielding our groin from attack, god damn it we want to use them as sleds.

Wait, What?

Think about it a riot shield actually does have all the makings of a sled, it’s made of strong plastic, contoured perfectly to fit the saggiest of human asses snugly inside and of course is totally bulletproof for the most serious of races. So of course if you managed to steal a riot shield you could technically go sledding on it. Of course that is if if the police weren’t already doing it.


Hey the police are pretty cool guys, they’re just like us, they’re just looking for a good time in the snow we can all relate to that. Wait a second though, those are riot shields, aren’t they worth like a shit ton of money, didn’t a bunch of that stuff get stolen and the Commander went apeshit. Holy fuck, that’s like using a taser to strip paint, what on earth were these guys thinking?

Oh that’s right, WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Nuclear Bombs

Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Bruce Banner three separate pieces of evidence that truly show the awesome and terrifying power of nuclear fusion (before you bitch in the comments section it can be fusion or fission).

No matter how complicated it is to understand, a nuclear explosion is fucking terrifying. If you looked out of your window now the last thing you would ever want to see is a mushroom cloud on the horizon, unless of course you have a pretty specific phobia either way we’ll bet that a nuclear bomb is definitely in the top three.

Surely though there is a way we could use this tremendous power for something good, you know like use it to light a cigarette.

Wait, What?

Ted Taylor, a name that should be taught in every classroom from now until the end of time actually did this. You’re probably thinking oh right yeah, he probably just lit a match off it or something. Actually no, in what was either the most brazen act of badassery in history of the birth of the worlds coolest superhero, he reflected and focused the radiation from a nuclear explosion, THEN STUCK HIS FACE INTO IT AND LIT HIS CIGARETTE.

This is literally the closest thing we could show that wasn’t made from pure badass

Let’s just say that one more time in case you think the expendables 2 movie script was slipped into this article by mistake. A man reflected and focused radiation from a nuclear bomb, INTO HIS OWN FACE then smoked a cigarette, fuck you cancer. Surprisingly this is the only time in history a person has ever harnessed the power of nuclear bomb to light a cigarette. Probably because anyone else who tried probably spent the last thirteen seconds of their life desperately clawing at the face shaped hole in their head instead of updating their twitter.

Artists impression

Some of you may say, “he didn’t actually use the nuclear bomb to light his cigarette”. At Cracked we think cracking a walnut with a sledgehammer is pretty cool. However watching someone use a sledgehammer, collecting their sweat, using that to grow a tree, harvesting a walnut from that and then cracking that fucker with a sledgehammer. Shows a level of dedication we admire.

Plastic explosive.

Combining all the fun of silly putty with all the danger of a live bomb, plastic explosives have helped change the face of modern war. Being just slightly more powerful than TNT, a single pound of this stuff is enough to turn you and everyone within 8 feet of you into a pile of spare parts.

Like this only it make people cry.

Problem is though unless you’re blowing stuff up, it just sits there. Sure you could use it like silly putty and make giant explosive dongs, but would you really want to enter a building through a perfectly shaped penis you just blew into a wall. Surely it has more mundane uses, like cooking.

Wait, What?

In what at first appears to be a line that would be written on fifteen identical tombstones spread across a large field, you can totally cook with C4. In fact, there are a lot, of sources saying that soldiers used to do exactly that.

The army, always using our superior brain thinking.

The thing is, C4 is almost completely safe, you can cut, burn and even shoot at it without causing it to detonate. Infact when burnt it will burn hot enough to light even wet wood, so this is actually a pretty good idea. Oh no wait it gives off deadly fumes when it’s burnt. Then take into account it is possible to start a fire when it is wet with a little know how. It seems soldiers in Vietnam were just pretty damn lazy.

Not like today!

Assault Rifle

The staple of war, no soldier is complete without a rifle in his hands. Ranging from the simplest cobbled together machine gun, to one that boils your eyes. This humble weapon will have a place in war for many years to come.

We weren’t fucking kidding!

A soldier is advised to keep his rifle with him at all times, train with it often and usually to give it a name (we call dibs on Mr Shooty Mc’bulletface). We’ve already established soldiers are lazy but some soldiers wanted to take that shit to another level and use a gun to open their beer.

Wait, What?

More specifically use your gun as a makeshift bottle opener, this doesn’t seem like a big deal, until you realise this can damage the gun itself, the point about having a drunk soldier seems to be of secondary concern. We aren’t going to bring up the fact you can open a bottle with pretty much anything else in your house. We will wonder though, what backwards ass military unit is stupid enough to do this.

Oh fuck!

That’s the Israeli Defence force, probably one of the most badass military units in the world. Which explains why the guns were being damaged, Israeli forces only drink beer as un-fuck-with-able as themselves. Still though these guys were damaging their equipment, someone had to tell them to cut that shit out.

It appears the Iraeli badass streak stops just short of high command who decided it would be much simpler to manufacture a new gun with a bottle opener built in. That’s right the process of doing this was so widespread that the military felt it would be easier to simply re-outfit their entire force with new guns.

Also their army is full of hot chicks.


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