Hate Mail. Pt 2.

Apparently people, really, really fucking hate me. Luckily I really enjoy annoying people who hate me. Here is another email exchange between me and someone who dislikes my work. He’s in red, I’m in blue, I like blue.

From [redacted]

Subject: Military WTF?

I saw your article on military training I thought it was ok but then I saw that your british. what the fuck is that about? cracked is a AMERICAN site not british.

To clarify, he means this article, it was published on 9/11 which almost made his point valid, although it was still a totally retarded email.

To [redacted]

Subject: Sorry?

Hi there, I apologise if my being British somehow offended you, let me make it clear that if we were to ever meet in person I would totally not eat any more than 9 crumpets in your presence. I also promise that I’d keep top hat and monocle wearing to a strictly evening affair.

I’d hope you’d extend me the same courtesy by not be overly American by taking up  vast amounts of space and smelling of cream cheese.

For a guy from a country that’s all about capitalism you sure seem annoyed at someone making money through use of their own skills, that’s probably a sign you’re a bad American, you should totally come live in England with me!

Toodle pip, Karl Merryweather Smallwood.

From [redacted]

Subject: fuck you.

what is that shit? like i would ever come and live in england your all fucking stupid with bad teeth your country is fucking shit if you ever came to america id kick your fucking face in.

To [redacted]

Subject: I say!

Well good sir you have offended my honour and the honour of my fellow countrymen, I’d heard your country was full of brutes and goat fondlers from my uncle, Lord Mustard. But I hadn’t until now believed it.

I warn you good sir that should you wish to throw hands with me, I’m well versed in the art of fistycuffs and would give you a right royal spanking across the backside. Do not worry, though we’ll cool off after in the traditional British way, by shooting poor people with guns, or as I believe you call it in your country, military service.

Cheerio, Karlos Merridian Dumbledore The Third Earl of Sandwich.

From [redacted]

Subject: ?

What the fuck are you talking about retard?

To [redacted]

Subject: I’ll spell it out.

Fine, I see you’re what’s known as a special person. Understand this first though, all that was clever irony to help me avoid losing anymore brain cells talking to you. Country of origin has no bearing on somethings quality and it shouldn’t affect enjoyment or the ability to use it. Knowing you won’t believe me, I’m sure you’re having a great time reading this email on a computer designed in Japan and manufactured in China, and I’m sure you’ll be crying as you watch increasingly degrading Swedish porn after realising how retarded you are.

You can ignore this if you want, I know the strange things separating my words are confusing, it’s called punctuation. Oh no, here comes some more (,;.:’!) scary right? Unlikely that it is this will have any effect on you I hope you’ve at least figured out I’m an entertainer and mean no offence.

To summarise this message simply read the first letter of each sentence.

From [redacted}

Subject: ??

I dont get it

To [redacted]

Subject: Sigh.

Of course not.

9 thoughts on “Hate Mail. Pt 2.

  1. Pingback: Meta Hate, The Sweetest Hate Of All. | KarlSmallwood.com

  2. Pingback: Rationing out the hate. | KarlSmallwood.com

  3. I apologize on behalf of all my countrymen/women for his crude behaviour. I promise that we are not all such colossal asshats.

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