Making a house a home. Pt1

My house is pretty shit at the moment, the following are actual quotes from various people involved with it’s repair and running. I wish these were made up, I really do.

Conversation between me and my Landlady.

Me: My internet isn’t working.

Landlady: We can sort that out for you, you can submit an repair form online.

Me: I don’t have the internet.

Landlady: I see, ok then I’ve sent you a copy of the form in an email, you can print it off and send it in.

Me: I DON’T HAVE THE INTERNET.

Conversation with an electrician.

Me: Is the wiring pretty bad then?

Electrician: Let me put it this way, asylum seekers have better houses than this.

Me: Surely you’ve seen worse?

Electrician: I’ve been in fire damaged, derelict houses with better wiring than this place.

Conversation with a plumber.

Plumber: What the fuck is wrong with this shower? Did you seal this?

Me: No? The handyman did last year.

Plumber: It looks like someone with no idea of what they were doing did this.

Me: He’s the same guy that fitted our boiler.

Plumber: I assume that’s a joke because I wouldn’t trust the guy who did this to fasten his own belt without losing his dick.

Me: It’s not.

Conversation with Council worker.

Me: This is our kitchen.

Council lady: Is the lino being replaced?

Me: No this is replaced, it was worse before.

Council lady: Was the guy drunk when he fitted it?

Me: I’m pretty sure he was just lazy.

Council lady: *Makes note on pad.

Conversation with another plumber.

Plumber: What the fuck is up with that boiler?

Me: Oh yeah, they left a hole and just filled it up with rocks.

Plumber: They should have concreted it.

Me: Is that for cosmetic reasons?

Plumber: No, it’s to stop carbon monoxide killing you.

Me: Oh, that makes sense.

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