My house is pretty shit at the moment, the following are actual quotes from various people involved with it’s repair and running. I wish these were made up, I really do.
Conversation between me and my Landlady.
Me: My internet isn’t working.
Landlady: We can sort that out for you, you can submit an repair form online.
Me: I don’t have the internet.
Landlady: I see, ok then I’ve sent you a copy of the form in an email, you can print it off and send it in.
Me: I DON’T HAVE THE INTERNET.
Conversation with an electrician.
Me: Is the wiring pretty bad then?
Electrician: Let me put it this way, asylum seekers have better houses than this.
Me: Surely you’ve seen worse?
Electrician: I’ve been in fire damaged, derelict houses with better wiring than this place.
Conversation with a plumber.
Plumber: What the fuck is wrong with this shower? Did you seal this?
Me: No? The handyman did last year.
Plumber: It looks like someone with no idea of what they were doing did this.
Me: He’s the same guy that fitted our boiler.
Plumber: I assume that’s a joke because I wouldn’t trust the guy who did this to fasten his own belt without losing his dick.
Me: It’s not.
Conversation with Council worker.
Me: This is our kitchen.
Council lady: Is the lino being replaced?
Me: No this is replaced, it was worse before.
Council lady: Was the guy drunk when he fitted it?
Me: I’m pretty sure he was just lazy.
Council lady: *Makes note on pad.
Conversation with another plumber.
Plumber: What the fuck is up with that boiler?
Me: Oh yeah, they left a hole and just filled it up with rocks.
Plumber: They should have concreted it.
Me: Is that for cosmetic reasons?
Plumber: No, it’s to stop carbon monoxide killing you.
Me: Oh, that makes sense.