The Power Rangers Movie is one of my favourite films of all time, so, for those of you have yet to experience it, here it is summerised, bullshit ommited. For those of you who have seen it, here it is anyway.
Power Rangers The Movie – The Abridged Script.
The film opens with the Power Rangers leaping out of plane in bright multicoloured jump suits, this is of course to raise money for CHARITY. The first thing that is immediately noticeable is the black ranger is now ASIAN and the yellow ranger is now BLACK. Because take that, political correctness.
TOMMY: All right guys, we’re going to jump out of this plane. For charity.
BILLY: Wait, guys, we have a source of infinite power literally sat on our wrists, surely we can just use that to help people instead of jumping out of a plane. I mean we can summon giant fighting robots, wouldn’t people rather pay to see that?
*TOMMY quickly shoots BILLY a look that can only be described as a combination between fuck you and I want to stab your face.
TOMMY: We’re gonna do flips and shit while listening the Red Hot Chilli Peppers plays in the background, how rad is that? How else are we supposed to earn money for the ORPHANS?
BILLY: Wait, how are we affording to rent this plane?
TOMMY: There’s no time to discuss that, everyone leap out of this plane.
*The POWER RANGERS then all leap out of the plane wearing colour co-ordinated outfits that their SUPER SECRET alter egos wear, NO ONE finds this suspicious. Mean while BULK and SKULL land in a quarry because they for some reason wanted to jump out of a plane too.
BULK: Oh shit, we’ve landed in a quarry, instead of apologising and leaving politely let’s act like dicks.
SKULL: I see nothing wrong with this plan.
QUARRY FOREMAN: What the hell are you doing here? Although I’m not going to question the fact you FELL FROM THE FUCKING SKY I am pretty mad about it.
*Before BULK can speak, a quarry worker finds a giant glowing purple egg. This is so surprising that NO ONE reacts to it.
QUARRY WORKER: Even though we live in a world where evil demonic nether beings from another planet are quite common place, I will touch this glowing, purple egg. Is everyone cool with that?
FOREMAN: I see absolutely nothing wrong with that logic. Touch the shit out of that egg.
*The QUARRY WORKER touches the shit out of the egg, only to be blown 15 feet back, he is left twitching and convulsing in obvious agony. NO ONE calls him an ambulance.
FOREMAN: Wow, this is obviously an incredibly dangerous object, lets put some yellow tape around it and leave it completely in the open except for a single guard armed with a flash-light.
*The egg is left completely in the open, allowing LORD ZEDD to open it without interference. The egg contains IVAN OOZE a supposedly terrifying villain with what is clearly two goat dicks glued to his face.
*The POWER RANGERS suddenly arrive on the scene to investigate the egg. Despite the fact that they literally carved an ENTIRE FUCKING RAINBOW across the sky, they arrive without costumes or disguises.
TOMMY: Look, an egg filled with glowing purple liquid, good job we’re all well aware enough of the dangers of the universe to not do anything stupid eh guys?
BILLY instantly sticks his hand into the ooze and makes a comment about how disgusting it is.
IVAN OOZE: Hello Rangers, I am Ivan, please fight my minions while I go attack Zordon. I also say some other pointless bullshit but you can ignore that.
THE MOTHER FUCKING POWER RANGERS: IT’S MORPHING TIME!
*An EPIC guitar riff kicks in as the POWER RANGERS all stand PERFECTLY STILL for 30 seconds while they transform, their opponents for some reason allow them to do this before being horricially beaten into a literal bloody pulp. It ends just as the power rangers all run out of power.
TOMMY: Oh no, our powers without them we’re just a bunch of insanely competent martial artists, we don’t stand a chance.
KIMBERLY: Wait, Zordon, he must be in trouble, let’s not warn anyone about IVAN OOZE and instead travel straight there.
The Rangers then travel to ZORDON, only to find Ivan has destroyed almost the entire place.
BILLY: Guys, erm I don’t mean to be that guy, but how did we even get here?
TOMMY: We walked stupid, the scene cut away to show the passage of time and everything. It’s called editing.
BILLY: That makes no sense though, this place is on top of a mountain and you’re wearing white, how come you’re not dirty or sweaty in the slightest. I know it’s not that important, but we normally have to fucking teleport to this place and you’re telling me we walked here, at night, into the desert and no one is dirty as a result?
TOMMY: Shut up BILLY.
*Suddenly the RANGERS notice that ZORDON is injured.
KIMBERLY: ZORDON you’re injured, but wow, I have to say that for a being of unspeakable evil Ivan sure seems pretty lazy, I mean come on he didn’t even finish off the one person in the galaxy capable of stopping him when he was totally defenceless, all he did was wreck his shit a little.
ALPHA 5: Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. RANGERS to help ZORDON I can send you to a far off planet that no one has ever returned from to get a new source of power.
BILLY: Awesome can you give us some weapons or at the very least time to change into something other than shorts since we literally have no idea where you are sending us.
ALPHA 5: Shut up BILLY.
*The RANGERS are then transported to a far off planet, they’re attacked by bird people who are luckily scared away by a woman with breasts spinning a stick around.
TOMMY: Thanks for saving us, that was a tough fight.
DULCEA: I literally spun a stick around, it wasn’t that hard, you’re supposed to be Earths last hope? Boy do I feel sorry for those guys.
TOMMY: We’re the POWER RANGERS.
DULCEA: Why didn’t you say so, I will of course grant you all new powers instantly without any further questions.
*The scene shifts to shows the RANGERS all getting new, supposedly better powers based on animals. Even though dinosaurs are clearly far more badass.
TOMMY: I am the falcon, asshole of the sky!
KIMBERLY: I am the crane, lighter than air and swift as the wind.
ROCKY: I am the ape, true king of the jungle with an indomitable will.
ADAM: I am a frog.
TOMMY: That settles it, ADAM is the new BILLY.
ADAM: I’m already a frog, isn’t that enough punishment?
TOMMY: Shut up ADAM.
*The RANGERS then travel to the source of great power,where they have to fight a creature made of stone that dies when you kick it. This grants them new Zords and the ability to teleport again. So they travel back to Earth to KICK SOME ASS.
AISHA: Alright, it’s my first real line of the movie a chance to show that I’m a competent and worthy addition to the team using the awesome power of my ninja bear zord!
The GIANT ANT ROBOT lazily swipes AISHA’S zord which causes her cockpit to completely LOSE ITS SHIT.
AISHA: I’m down you guys help me!
BILLY: I’ll use my ninja wolf zord to help!
The GIANT ROBOT SCORPION Liam Neeson’s BILLY which causes his cockpit to completely LOSE ITS SHIT.
BILLY: Jesus christ my shields are down and I’m out of power you guys, why are these robots better again?
*This beat down continues until Tommy uses his Zord to launch missiles at one of the robots , it is DESTROYED INSTANTLY.
TOMY: Why does no one elses Zord have the ability to do that? No I mean seriously, we have unlimited technology from the far reaches of the universe, why do all these Zords only have the ability to smash things up close.
KIMBERLY: Because it’s awesome?
TOMMY: Oh yeah right.
*IVAN OOZE then morphs into a GIANT ROBOT OOZE, then he fights the POWER RANGERS. IN SPACE. The fight consists of Ivan apparently attempting to dry hump the MEGA ZORD into submission.
TOMMY: Shit guys looks like this is the end for us.
AISHA: Wait there’s a button here for only the most serious of emergencies.
TOMMY: Push that shit.
* Upon pressing the button the MEGA ZORD, knees GIANT ROBOT IVAN in the balls. THIS WORKS.
TOMMY: Wait, that was the Mega Zord’s ultimate last-ditch effort attack? What the fuck? Who trained this Zord to fight an anti rape class or something?
NILLY: Who cares you guys, we saved the day!
TOMMY: Shut up BILLY.