Judging a game by its cover.

I have been asked to write a short piece on the best 5 video-games of 2011, which of course is impossible. I will instead judge the best 5 games on one completely arbitrary factor, how nice the cover is.

Someone once said you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but then again Hitlers dad once told his mum it would be ok to not buy condoms and we all know how that turned out. With that in mind here are the best 5 video-games of 2011, in terms of the covers.

Ace Combat: Assault Horizon

With a name like Ace Combat, you know this game has to be good, I mean it’s right there in the title, then you take a look at the cover and you know it’s going to be a good game. Is it because of the awesome jets? The stoic yet reserved look of determination on that guys face? Or even the playful use of light and dark?

No, it’s purely because the guy on the front cover has two jets exploding from his dick and directly into your face. This image is actually so manly that if viewed too long will leave you with child in a matter of minutes.

Dynasty Warriors 7

Forget Gears of battlefield duty 3, this game has a freaking 7 in it. 7! That’s such a ridiculous amount of sequels even the guy on the cover is screaming and attempting to stab the guy who drew him to stop him reliving the same nightmare for a 7th time.

de Blob 2

I don’t know what de Blob is, all I know is that from the look on his face he is evil and wants everything I love to burn. He looks like someone skinned Deadmau5, filled it with unhappiness and gave it the order to invade and slowly become our nightmares. At first glance he appears to be making the peace symbol, but on closer inspection it becomes apparent he’s simply flipping off the people in the exploding planet right behind him.

FIFA Manager 12

Football management games are for people who like to be rewarded by tactical ability, foresight a good understanding of the beautiful game. The people behind Fifa Manager 12 however seem to want to tap into the most insane subsection of gamers by having game art suggesting that you play as a 200ft tall well dressed giant that karate chops the shit out of all their problems. Which arguably sounds a hell of a lot better.

Darkspore

What more needs to be said beyond you can control a cyborg Wolverine with lightning leaping from his hands. What the hell more can you possible want from a game in which the cover claims you’ll be able to stab people with your fists then electrocute them to death. Nothing, that’s what.

One thought on “Judging a game by its cover.

  1. Hahaha, man, I don’t care if this article was small, your article actually managed to bench press my jaws with every line.

    “Forget Gears of battlefield duty 3, this game has a freaking 7 in it. 7! That’s such a ridiculous amount of sequels even the guy on the cover is screaming and attempting to stab the guy who drew him to stop him reliving the same nightmare for a 7th time.”

    ROFL, I’m gooing to buy this game, believe me.

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