Yes this is my actual work.

I have for the past few weeks been writing my university dissertation, as any feedback is good feedback I decided to post a segment here for anyone who is interested to read.


Just over a year ago I noticed a small tab on the website with the words “write for us” emblazoned across it, inside my young mind flashed images of money, fame and infinite girlfriends impressed by my mastery of the written word, so of course I signed the hell up.

A few months later my first article was on Cracked’s front page, and my inbox flooded with messages telling me I was a terrible writer, which of course meant I was great and they were simply jealous. I have since had several articles published with views totalling over 20 million, meaning if views were money I would be living in my solid gold sex mansion instead of writing this. However my writing has netted me just under a thousand pounds in payment.

This inspired me to take on this project, and see just exactly how far I could push myself in terms of my writing and see if I could turn it into a full blown career, or at the very least earn enough money to invest in becoming an alcoholic so I could at least look like a writer to other people.

Start of project. Date: 30th of October.

Earlier this week I had my initial meeting with my Tutor, Kathryn who shall be referred to as boss lady for the remainder of this project as my computer fails to register her name as an actual word. Boss lady told me my initial idea of simply submitting my writing as a portfolio and writing an extended reflection on it, would be like punching a child, easy but not really that challenging, although she probably put it another way, I prefer to think she said that.

She instead suggested that I utilise my time at university, almost certainly the one time in my life that I am an adult but without dependants, obligations or shame, to try and make it as a writer. She also noted that the project itself would be better written in my own voice as to make it personal and unique to me, that being said I tentatively asked the most important question, if I could include swearing in this project, boss lady’s response was “of course you fucking can” although again, that may be paraphrasing what she actually said.

The first meeting consisted of coming up with potential outlets for me to submit work, she also suggested I expand my portfolio by thinking outside of the box and writing things like greetings cards, product reviews and adverts. So that’s exactly what I did, starting with dinosaur themed Christmas cards.

Yes, I actually fucking made this.

November 6th.

This week saw the release of my most successful Cracked article to date, garnering 1.4 million views, thirty thousand facebook shares and two thousand comments in a single day. I also received over a dozen pieces of hate mail in response to it, one of which was so stupid I refuse to believe it was written by a real human being and instead was the result of someone’s experiment to find the most retarded sequence of letters possible.

I also submitted an application for “Front Magazine” a magazine I can only describe as “Nuts” for people who like video games and breasts. Seeing as I am a keen player of video games and would probably like to see a real pair of breasts one day it seemed like a good idea to apply.

 November 12th.

No word back yet from front magazine, I assume this to be down to the fact the person in charge of responding laughed too hard at my application and is in a chemically induced coma, as opposed to me just not being good enough.

However, I have began research into how easy it is to become a a writer for a living, interviewing my peers on mass. The overwhelming result I have received is that it is harder than a diamond viagra pill, but worth every second of it. This like my ill fated venture into dog grooming has both pleased and saddened me.

I also received a rather interesting piece of mail, apparently a woman has mistaken my house for a place of business, mailing a CV and contact information through my door. I have seized the opportunity for mischief and responded to this mail under the guise of a pornographer seeking a cleaner/receptionist.


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