We could have been friends.

This next post is entirely fan decided. I asked my friends and fans whether I should write this and the overwhelming response was fuck yes. So here it is.

I was recently friended on facebook by a lot of people, no doubt because I had two Cracked articles in a row published. The people who add me fall into one of several categories.

  • A person who adds me, then never interacts with me again save for the occasional like.
  • A person who adds me, talks politely and occasionally like things on my wall.
  • A person who adds me, then acts like a massive dick.

This post is about the latter.

Ron Calabraro, a man who added me then proceeded to immediately insult me. First things first though, this confuses the hell out of me, now lets’s just go through Ron’s thought process shall we.

“Hey this Cracked article is awesome, I wonder how many views it has … Shit! 2 million, this guy must be an incredibly talented writer, capable of deconstructing arguments and writing in a clear and interesting way.”

“Oh wait, cool, he has a blog linked at the end too, that means he literally has the ability to advertise anything he wants to a potential audience of millions. I wonder what kind of stuff he writes … of he basically likes taking the piss out of anyone who makes fun of him and displays it to an audience.”

“Oh, and he has facebook too. Ok so while I wait for him to respond to this friend request I should recap. He has a potential audience of millions, enjoys totally ripping people who insult him a new one, is very talented at writing and is also a student with all the time in the world.  I know what this guy would love, if I called him a dick and wrote insults on his wall. Bam, that’s why I’m so fucking great!”

That’s what confuses me, why this guy thought it was a good idea to insult me seconds after being given the ability to. You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression, and this guy ruined his. So here’s what I’m going to do Ron, I’m going to make the same snap judgement you did and insult you, using only the first impression I gained from your facebook profile. Oh yeah, before this guy blocked me and deleted his post, I took note of all his information. So here’s my impressions of Ron Calabraro, hope you like it dick head.

The first thing I noticed about Ron and his profile was that his wall consisted solely of him reposting unfunny internet memes, that’s it. No original thoughts, no witty anecdotes, no best wishes from friends, just regurgitated shit from the bowels of the internet, that no one on his wall seemed to like. So my first impression of Ron Calabraro was that he’s a big winner.

Obviously appearances are everything online, your photo is your window to the world, Ron’s was a picture of a cartoon character, which only tells me that he’s either ashamed of his face or that cartoons have gained sentience and are insulting me on facebook, which would of course mean my therapist was wrong which is unlikely.

Upon actually finding a picture of Ron, one thing became immediately apparent, that he’s twice the man I will ever be, literally.

Pictured: More chins than in a Chinese phonebook.

Obviously upon seeing this stallion of a man, I realised why he felt the right to insult me, I have no right to question such beauty. In in the brief but treasured time myself an Ron interacted he told me to not worry about being insulted, as people often called him Ronald McDonald. I suspect this was him alluding to people making jabs at his weight, which would show Ron keeps company almost as retarded as he is. Ronald McDonald is in no way overweight, they may as well have called him Colonel Sanders, which judging by his shitty, reminiscent of pubic hair beard, would have been more apt.

Then I realised, hey, Ron’s probably a cool guy maybe he has a buzzing social life, which is when I stumbled upon Ron’s only other picture.

It’s clear from this picture that Ron is obviously a man of fucking adventure, I mean come on, look at him he must have some really cool shit planned. No one except a truly, truly sad human being would ever wear this kind of gear without a reason right? Well sadly I saw nothing else on Ron’s profile that would allude to him ever having need of chainmail. Save for the possibility of people wanting to kick the shit out of him I can only assume from my first impression (sorry Ron, I’m sure you understand big guy) that Ron bought this solely so he could take a picture of himself wearing it, no doubt in a sad, desperate attempt to appear in some way interesting to other people. Which would probably work if it wasn’t for the fact his profile consisted entirely of unfunny internet turds.

Then I struck gold. Proof of the only pussy Ron’s ever touched, or is likely to get near.

Yes, Ron had an entire album dedicated to pictures of his cat, which is no different to thousands of other people, people love their pets I can understand that. But here’s the thing, Ron’s a fucking asshole and I’m inclined to say Ron isn’t doing this to be wacky or zany, he’s just a very sad, lonely man. Even his cat is giving him a cold, uncaring stare, silently judging him for being a fat useless shit. The kind of fat, useless shit who insults people he’s just met because he’s just that guy, LOL!

Ron’s the kind of guy who seconds after being able to interact with, decided to insult me. Knowing this about Ron, it’s safe to assume he’s obviously the result of anal sex gone wrong. It’s also safe to assume Ron has an entire stash of shameful porn he solemnly masturbates to thinking about Jen from the office, before watching home alone and pausing it during scenes containing nothing but children.

I fully expect Ron to in some way attempt to get me back for this, to deny everything I’ve said about him, so if you’re reading this Ron, here’s a message for you. I feel sorry for you, I really do, but more than anything I feel sorry for the people who know you, as you’re obviously a total asshole. But hey man, that’s just my first impression, it could have been different if you hadn’t been such a fuck head.

To everyone else feel free to add “Ron Calabraro” and find out for yourself what he’s like. He blocked me seconds after I made him aware I was going to publish this.

5 thoughts on “We could have been friends.

  1. Pingback: For the lulz. « Internet adventures

  2. Pingback: Expert on the female anatomy. « Internet adventures

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