Friends without the benefit.

The sims once taught me that friendship is like a flower, if you don’t tend to it, it withers and dies. Which only proves that video games aren’t set out for teaching life lessons. Friendship is much more like a mattress, it can be soft and comforting, firm and supportive and most of all if someone pisses all over it you don’t want it anymore. The following is an exchange with a someone who wanted to be my friend, by which I mean abuse the shit out of my good nature.

I get a lot of message from random people, I try to respond to them all, some are nice, some aren’t and some believe by simple virtue of contacting me they’re my best friend and can enjoy all the benefits of it. The following is a message off of one such person.

From [redacted]

Subject: Hi there.

hey there i saw some of your articles and writing and junk and wanted to message you and say hi.

also i wanted to ask if you could help me get some writing done myself?

To [redacted]

Subject, Re: Hi there.

Hello. Always nice to heard from a fan.

Just what exactly do you mean you want my help with some writing? If you’re asking me to look over something I guess I could do that, but I wouldn’t recommend it, since I’m by no means an expert, although I am very handsome.

Could you just clarify for me?


From [redacted]

Subject, Re, Re: Hi there.


Well i want to write probably for cracked or something but can’t think of an idea could you help me with that?

To [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re: Hi there.

Wait, so you want me to come up with your idea for you? Why the hell would I do that? Not only would you not learn a fucking thing but I’d be openly giving you the ability to earn money that could have been mine and I need that money for kidney surgery. There’s nothing wrong with them, I just want an operation to increase their capacity so I can freak people out in public urinals with my abnormally long pee time.

How could you possibly expect me to just hand over a ready-made idea for you to submit, get paid for and have your name attached to?

From [redacted[

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re: Hi there.

i would give you some of the credit.

just its hard to come up with ideas and i thought you could help me. obviously your not as nice as i thought you was. your just scared of the competition i guess.

To [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re, Re: Hi there.

Some of the credit? Fucking some of it? Here’s a better idea how about I come up with an idea and get all of the credit, all of the money and all of the sex I assume is being stored away for me.

This has nothing to do with me being nice, it’s about me not being an idiot. Imagine this for a second, I’m sure you’re an excellent cock sucker, probably the best. Imagine if I met you for the first time and was all like “dude you’re so good at sucking all those dicks, any chance you could slide some dicks my way?”

I’m pretty sure you’d tell me to go away, well you would if it weren’t for all the cocks I assume you always have in your mouth.

This is the same thing, ideas are my dicks and writing is your mouth, I want to look after my ideas and make sure they become strong and bring joy to people, not fall flat and flaccid as I’m sure they would in your hands.

As for the competition I’m terrified of it, I’m sure one day you’ll convince someone to give you a really great idea, then I’m screwed.


From [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re: Hi there.

fuck you.

To [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re: Hi there.

That is a good song, thanks for reminding me.

In return I’ll give you a good idea if you want?

This guy must have refused to look at my message, for a while anyway until curiosity got the better of him and he replied thusly.

From [redacted]

Subject: That idea you mentioned.

you said in your last message you would give me a good idea to write

what is it?

To [redacted]

Subject Re: That idea you mentioned.

Of course. I have a few ideas for you, hope you like them.

The 6 biggest cocks I have in my mouth (right fucking now)

The 6 stupidest emails I’ve ever sent (that were all to Karl)

The 7 biggest disappointments (all of which are my dick)

These article seem just right for you, hope they help.


I never got a reply, I assume you’ll see these articles on the front page of Cracked very soon.


2 thoughts on “Friends without the benefit.

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