Too big for my boots.

I by no means believe I’m in any way special, numerous girlfriends and family members have told me that. I know that if this site did not exist it would be of no major loss to other people, however some people out there think I’m too full of myself, which if I’m honest if I listened to them and fucked myself I probably would be.

From [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

karl your blog is just your self masterbation fantasy.

all you do is make fun of peoples spelling and call them dicks, what fucking right have you got to do that?

dont even respond to this email because I wont answer

To redacted:

Subject: Your blog.

 

Hello there.

I went right ahead and ignored your request to not reply as you asked me a question and questions without answers are the ultimate sadness in the world.

First things first my blog is by no means self “masturbation”, if it was it would be much bigger and longer. Second things second I have no right to mock people, all I have is the right to respond and defend myself, if in the process I make the person who messaged me first look stupid, whose fault is that?

Is it mine for pointing out their obvious inadequacies, or theirs for not spending the time to self edit or realise what they’re saying is stupid? If I were to walk in the middle of the road wearing a cat costume, as I’m often apt to do and got hit by a car, is that the drivers fault? The driver was simply minding his own business when a giant pussy decided to fling itself into his way and ruin his day.

In this scenario I’m the driver, you’re me, in a giant cat outfit. Words are fun aren’t they?

Also don’t bother responding to this, I’ve sent you straight to my spam folder, which in your honour I’ve renamed the retard bin.

Cheers.

From [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

You can’t tell me what to do you’re not the boss of me. You’re not even funny, you’re just a sad little man sat in his room sending pissy emails hoping people laugh at them. I pity you Karl, I really do.

Oh look, I spelt everything correctly so you can’t even make fun of this email and put it on your precious site.

Sucks to be you.

To [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

No you’re right, I am not the boss of you. If I was I’d be asking you to test whether a belt sander worked with your face, but alas, no I do not have that power. What I do have though is the ability to manipulate you into replying, by using your own flawed logic against you. Words are fun aren’t they?

And the only reason I mock the spelling of those who send me emails like yours is simple, why put the effort into insulting me if you aren’t going to do it properly? When I see emails insulting me that aren’t spell checked it makes me laugh, completely destroying their original intent. It’s like when people use the over tired cliché of the bedroom inhabiting loner to insult me. (hint that’s you!)

If you pity me though, I appreciate it. These last few days have been pretty tough on me, I have a recurring problem that’s been slowly taking its toll and pity is about all I have at the moment. You see for about 6 days I’ve been suffering from this huge pain in the ass that emails me incessantly, but look at me dithering like a fool I’m sure you’re well aware of what it’s like to have a huge pain in the ass.

Cheers!

From [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

Gay jokes Karl? Wow what little respect I had for you is gone. I’m sure one day people will realise that you’re just playing on the basest insults and are just not funny.

To [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

I see your point actually.

People have come to expect more from me, you’ve come to expect from me. This isn’t about you not liking me, it’s about you wanting to push my limits as a comedian and not rely on cheap easy jokes like your mother and move on to more cerebral comedy isn’t it?

Now it all makes sense, you’re so intimidated by me you had to disguise your suggestions behind insults so I’d better respond to them. Wow, just wow. You’re very, very good at playing the part of a condescending asshole, kudos and thank you.

From [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

Are you completely fucking delusional, I’m saying you’re a dick, you’re not funny and you’re pathetic. What part of that is me being intimidated by you?

To [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

Wow, you’re really sticking to this part, I respect that, I truly do.

Tough love is exactly what I need, and that’s what you’re giving me, you’re loving me, in the toughest possible way and I’m accepting it, lovingly. This is like when my dad taught me about being responsible by leaving me in the garden for a week, I learned so much. Mainly that hedgehogs are edible.

From [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

Are you for fucking real?

To [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

Yes, but you have to remove the spines. Although you can use them to sew up your hedgehog bite wounds, I think Mufase called it the cirle of life or something.

From [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

I’m talking about you thinking I’m trying to give you advice? I’m trying to tell you you’re a sad, pathetic loser with nothing better to do than email people trying to illicit a response from them.

To [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

Are you trying to be really meta by doing the exact same thing you’re insulting me for? Or is that an unintentionally hilarious side effect of this exchange?

From [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

What the hell are you talking about?

To [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

And that’s why I make jokes about penis.

From [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

 

Stop emailing me.

To [redacted]

Subject: Your blog.

Ok.

3 thoughts on “Too big for my boots.

  1. I look at your blog as a kind of public service. Not only because it makes me guffaw (literally,) but because it gives them a chance to look at their behavior objectively. (I’m betting more often than not they don’t take that chance, but what can you do?)

    These people seem to email you under the assumption that they’ll be able to best you, and it’s just hilarious to see them floundering. And as to the accusations of jackassery: I’ve yet to read where your insults were unprovoked…

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