Karl Smallwood fixes the world. Part one.

Like most people I’ve become almost entirely disillusioned with politics, all I see are people in suits trying to come up with ever more elaborate ways to shaft the economy or single mothers, the latter of which I see enough of on the internet. So then I thought this week I’d list the insanely easy ways I’ve noticed we could fix the world no one has seemed to think of.

How to fix, homelessness.

Being without a home is a terrible thing, you’ve nowhere to store your belongings, no safety and more importantly you’re apparently 80% more likely to blow people’s dick off with a shotgun.

Hobo chillies secret ingredient revealed.

Now, homelessness comes as the result of a multitude of factors, however, there are only a few noted methods of addressing the problem. The main one being charity. Now I’m not going to mock charity, it’s an amazing part of human nature and a great way to meet people with beards, but it’s not a reliable method of solving the problem, people only give when they’re in the mood to do so. It’s a fact of life that people will inherently want something for their money, whether it’s a handjob, a packet of jelly beans or anything in between that isn’t weird.

How I’d fix it.

In Britain we have something called the big issue, basically it’s a not for profit magazine that homeless people can sell, with them being allowed to keep some of the profits. To some it’s a vital lifeline giving the poorest people in society a chance to work their way out of poverty, to me, it’s the most pointless fucking thing since they made salt and vinegar condoms with the flavour on the inside.

Seriously, watch this film.

For one thing, you have to buy the big issue before you can sell it, because if there’s one thing homeless people have a ton of, its money to spend on a magazine rather than you know, food or booze. Now this isn’t just like a pyramid scheme, it is a pyramid scheme, with the sellers being forced to try to make people buy something they really don’t want, or need. Which is my idea, have the exact same system, only replace a magazine with anything fucking else. Bottled water, newspapers, fruit, pens, sun screen, hair gel, hand soap, condoms, chewing gum literally fucking anything other than a magazine that has no practical value, and is something the majority of people aren’t leaving their house specifically to buy. Not to mention all of those things are way below what I like to call the “huh, I forgot I had that money” level. Basically if you emptied your pockets right now, you’d most likely have anough money to buy one of those things, unless you’re me, then you could buy all of those things thus is the sweet life of an internet comedian.

Now I’m not just picking on the big issue here, because I know there are many other charities out there trying to help the homeless in many ways, but it’s the one system that seems the most retarded, because it could so easily be fixed if we allowed the homeless to sell something else, something people would be far more likely to want, need or not mind spending money on. Newspapers are by far, a more logical choice, for one every single day thousands go unsold, they’re replaced daily and they’re cheaper than a prostitute who charge by the inch. A person who’s not willing to spend a couple of pounds on a magazine, may be tempted to buy his chosen daily newspaper, especially with the added knowledge he’s helping someone having a tough time out.

Plus you get to steal this kids business, because fuck this kid.

I’m not saying it’s a perfect idea, but can anyone honestly say they wouldn’t prefer to get something other than the feeling of helping out their fellow-man when they gave away money to a homeless person? Because honestly, that feeling hasn’t got shit on cookies.


2 thoughts on “Karl Smallwood fixes the world. Part one.

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