Working it all out.

Now believe it or not, despite my ladder like frame. I do exercise, however I’m far more concerned with simply being healthy and having enough stamina to our run any threat or make the memory of an ex boyfriend disappear well more than I care about having arms that could kill a cow.

I was a member of a gym once but quit, which didn’t stop them from emailing me.

 

From [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Hello there Karl.

It shows on our system you were once a member of our gym.

We’re sending out a courtesy email to see if you are at all interested in re-joining us to once again take advantage of our services, including the new equipment we’ve had installed since your last visit.

Regards [redacted]

To [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Hi there.

Your records are indeed well kept, kudos to you, it contained pretty much everything you needed to know, except for the part where I asked to not be contacted by yourselves. However seeing as your gym is staffed by individuals shaped like fridges, I’ll allow it.

Sadly I’m not interested in re-joining your gym. I left for two reasons, one it was expensive and two this expense didn’t justify the level of service I received.

I’m sure the new facilities are very lovely, especially covered in the ball sweat of the dozens of taxi drivers that seem to frequent your gym, but if I’m honest, I’m happy that I’ll never again feel the warm smear of back sweat as I sit down ever again. In fact this feeling well outweighs any desire I have to maintain very expensive levels of fitness.

Cheers.

From [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Karl.

We’re sad to hear this but feel we need to address your concerns. Our gym is one of the cheapest in the area, as well as offering the highest level of services, along with our fully trained staff and free access to a number of spa facilities.

Also, we operate on a strict clean gym system, every member is required to clean down their machines after use, if this isn’t the case it’s down to you to bring this up with the person in question or a member of staff.

Regards [redacted]

To [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Yes, I understand you offer a very high level of service, however I noticed the use of the pre-modifier “one of”. Which is very nice, but I’d like to point out this sentiment means precisely, dick. Your gym is the most expensive in the area bar one, which is inside a five star hotel.

Also, have you seen the people who come into your gym? I’ve seen less mentally challenged hunks of meat on the special needs version of Charlotte’s Web. You honestly expect me to tell them to clean up after themselves? Half of them can’t even lift their arms, let alone understand the concept of being a reasonable human being. I genuinely saw one guy call his arms, “the guys”, I’m not questioning a damn thing he says.

Finally, your gym, while arguably very good, just doesn’t cater to my needs, which are mainly being close by and not being frequented by people who laugh at my arms.

Cheers.

From [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Karl.

If you had a problem you could have brought this up during your membership, however as it stands your complaints are coming from a non member so cannot be addressed. If you were to re-join we could sit down one to one and address your concerns.

Regards [redacted]

To [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Wow, I have to admit that’s a tought choice. My option are.

1. Stay at home and watch the Animaniacs.

2. Go to your gym, feel the cold judging gaze of your staff the entire time then sit in luke warm testicle sweat.

I’m sure you can “work out” the answer I’m going to give.

Cheers.

From [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

So be it, we’ll not contact you again Mr Smallwood.

Regards [redacted]

To [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Sorry I’m just, “exercising” my free will.

From [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Ok then.

Regards [redacted]

To [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Also could you remove me from this mailing list? I don’t like that you have my details it’s a “weight” on my mind.

Cheers.

From [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

Ok done, we’ll not contact you again.

Regards [redacted]

To [redacted]

Subject: Renew your membership?

That’s the second time you’ve said that in two days. Which is good because I’m “running” out of gym puns. Oh no wait, I’ve still got it baby.

One thought on “Working it all out.

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