Hard sell.

Although I understand not everyone reading this will receive hate mail or the email equivalent of afterbirth, I do realise virtually everyone will receive spam. So as a public service, and since I’ve been too busy with university to publish an actual exchange, here are some of the spam emails I’ve had complete with my replies to stop them ever emailing me again. Feel free to copy/paste these to respond to your own spammers to stop them emailing you, like a boss.


From [redacted]

Subject: For your urgent reply.‏

Dear Friend,

I am contacting you to assist me in transferring the sum of $6,200,000.00 us dollars into your personal bank account, this will be for the benefit of both of us.

This is a genuine business transaction only I cannot operate it alone without using a Foreigner according to the laws guiding my bank, that is why i am contacting you in this manner to help me stand before my bank as the beneficiary to claim this fund into your bank account, for assisting me to actualize this better opportunity, you will be entitled to have 30% from the total fund while 70% will be for me, as a matter of fact, what i need is your maximum cooperation and to provide a valid bank account where my bank will transfer this money for the benefit of you and I. By indicating your interest on assurance of trust I will send you the full details and how this business will be executed.

Most importantly, please I will advice you to keep this business proposal as a top secret between you and me. Or delete it immediately in your email box if you are not interested in this fund transaction business. Your urgent response to this mail will be highly appreciated.

Best regards,

To [redacted]

Subject: For your urgent reply.‏

Your email to this address could not be delivered due to containing phishing keywords, this email has been logged and your IP address and location have been noted and passed on to the relevent authorities.

For more information please contact sabin01@voila.fr

Note: This is my generic response to most spammers, the email address is the address of another spammer, because fuck him.

From [redacted]

Subject: contact me immediately‏

I have to disturb you today for the reward of an opportunity that should properly be used to advantage.
In reverence to your time, I will go straight to the point.
I need a confirmation of acceptance to transfer funds to you for our joint gratification.
I will send you more details and my suggestions as soon as I get your reply.


To [redacted]

Subject: contact me immediately‏

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for money, I can tell you I don’t have any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you delete my email address now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Note: Yes, this is a version of the speech from Taken, one of my favourite movies, even though I made fun of it.

From [redacted]

Subject: Financial Assistance‏
This charitable Offer may benefits you
I am [why am I redacting fake names] , A 79YR OLD WIDOW. I WAS A SHREWD BUSINESS WOMAN,
IF INTERESTED, WRITE ME AT [ A smiley ate this link ; ) ]

[no seriously why am I removing this information, this is stupid, it must be a force of habit]

To [redacted]

Subject: Financial Assistance‏

……..(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)
……….”…\………. _.·´

Thanks for reading and hopefully within the next few weeks I’ll have information about internet adventures, the book!


One thought on “Hard sell.

  1. When people text me that I don’t want to talk to I do a similar thing. “message send error 789223. Your message could not be completed.” if they keep going, I resend multiple times. After about 15, I say “well, I gave you a chance. Now I’m taking my phone to the police.”

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