It makes the world go round.

Believe it or not, writing doesn’t pay that well, sure I do earn enough money to indulge my pastime of playing Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3 while drunk. But I still have a real world job that requires me to earn money by the sweat of my brow, which is code for stand in a shirt and tie looking like an undertaker who’s half way through a heroin addiction. However it’s not stopped people from enquiring about my monetary situation, I of course give them a straight answer.

From [redacted]

Subject: your writing

Hi karl you probably get this all the time but Im curious about how much money you earn from writing because I want to take it up myself but want to know how mush money it can make me.

thanks

To [redacted]

Subject: your writing

Hello.

My writing doesn’t earn me that “mush”, not to mention the money it does earn me is rarely guaranteed, like sleeping with a prostitute with bad skin, it really depends on how “mush” I really want to put into it.

If you want to take it up, don’t expect to earn any money at all for the first few months, it’s a very competitive market and people want you to prove yourself first, which means doing things for free.

Hope that helps.

Cheers.

From [redacted]

Subject: your writing

oh I was kind of expecting it to be a big number because you hear all the stories about jk rowling being super rich. are there any tips you can give me because I really want to take it up because I think Id be good at it.

To [redacted]

Subject: your writing

My only tip is write, all the time. Also, spelling and grammar, you need to have that shit at least semi nailed, I’m talking straight up porn star style, make words your bitch.

Other than that, I really can’t help you, since if I had all the answers I’d be selling the cure to cancer from the back of my solid gold T-rex.

Cheers.

From [redacted]

Subject: your writing

your not being very helpful if Im honest Im asking foryour help and your just giving me some pointless cliches wrapped in unfunny jokes.

To [redacted]

Subject: your writing

Well now I’m convinced to help you in anyway I can. Although I’ve never been a fan of clichés, there’s a reason they’re quoted so often, because more often than not, they’re pretty applicable.

Like right now the phrase “biting the hand that feeds you” comes to mind, as does “you’re on your own” and “go fuck yourself with a claw hammer made of asbestos”.

There’s no secret, no hidden formulae I’m hiding to keep all of the money and writing groupies (of which there are many) to myself. Do good work and you’ll be noticed, but nothing is going to be handed to you on a silver platter, because one, silvers expensive and two, why would it be? You’re just a faceless internet user no different from the 80 thousand other identical internet users. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, but it’s true. I genuinely wish you all the best, but please don’t act like I somehow owe you an answer about how to make money from writing, because the only answer I can give is that it’s really fucking hard. I mean, seriously I’m talking rocks rubbed with Viagra levels of hard here.

Cheers.

From [redacted]

Subject: your writing

not to be funny here but you do kind of owe me since your entire career is based on your relationship with your audeince so yeah. acting like a dick to me isnt in your best intrests is it?

To [redacted]

Subject: your writing

You’re totally right, I should go out of my way to help every single person who ever messages me, regardless of how dense and entitled they act. I’ll start with the very first thing I told you.

Not* to be funny here,* but you do kind of owe me,* since your entire career is based on your relationship with your audience* so yeah. Acting* like a dick to me isn’t* in your best interests* is it?

C+

Unless you want to write for Fox news or some Twilight fanfiction, you’ll need to tighten up on your basic spelling and grammar. That’s not me being a dick, it’s me offering you a very basic piece of advice.

From [redacted]

Subject: your writing

spelling isnt that important in emails Im not being judged on how smart I sound in my emails am I?

To [redacted]

Subject: your writing

Wanna bet?

From [redacted]

Subject: your writing

oh fuck.

To see how writing should be done, you can check out my 8 year old sisters reviews of Dead Space 3.

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