If you read the article I helped write over on Cracked.com, here are a few entries that never made the final cut. Enjoy.
The plot of Batman is simplicity itself, Liam Neeson teaches Bruce Wayne ninja powers so he can punch crime in the throat dressed as a giant bat. We wanted to type Ra’s al Ghul, but after we saw Taken we refuse to accept that Neeson plays anyone other than himself in movies.
He’s actually mind punching your kidneys right now.
Image from here: http://batman.wikia.com/wiki/Ra%27s_al_Ghul_%28Liam_Neeson%29
As we’ve discussed before, Nolan took making his Batman reboot as realistic as possible, kind of seriously. For example rather than film in a city (Read: A place they couldn’t blow shit up whenever the hell they wanted to) they built sections of a full-scale Gotham city to play around in. Play around obviously being code for blow right to hell.
OK, rebuild it and blow it up again, for realism.
But by far the most impressive creation was the Batcave, in order to make it believable as a cave, they took molds from actual rocks and cave walls and fixed them to the walls of a giant, cave sized set.
It’s kind of a dick move that the set was too dark to see any of this.
Then when they realised that the Batcave probably needed a waterfall, because sometimes, Batman just needs to get his fucking zen on. The crew found though, that building a tank to contain such an amount of water was massively unfeasible, so they just flooded the entire warehouse instead.
Then you have the tumbler (Batmobile), Nolan was very insistent that the crew tasked with making it stuck to his original model. When they pointed out it had no front axles and was thus, kind of retarded, he told them to work around it, when they said, the way it opened for the driver was massively inefficient, he told them to work around it. Kind of rich when you see the model he made.
“And then it should be all like pew pew, take that bad guys” Nolan, probably.
Of course, the model the crew actually worked from wasn’t that one, although the film would had been way cooler if it was. The tumbler was modeled after a slightly more detailed creation formed as a result of “model smashing.” Which is exactly what it sounds like, take a bunch of models and stick them all together to make something awesome. A little Megatron here, a little stealth bomber there, top it all off with some big ass tires and boom, Batmobile.
There’s always that one kid who’s parent obviously helped.
No doubt as a huge fuck you to Nolan’s perfectionism, the crew tasked with creating the Tumbler followed the original model so closely, that they recreated the glue globs found on it. (editor note: 4:56 in) Kind of impressive when you consider they also made sure it could drive at 100MPH. Meaning that the Tumbler, as well as being ridiculously expensive and dangerous, was purposely designed to be as difficult as possible to actually build and drive, making it essentially the most Batman vehicle ever.
These are the kind of faces you can trust.
And oh boy did they spend that money. For starters, all of the mini props you see in the film cost thousands to make, those tiny adorable Uzis cost upwards of a $1000 each. For comparisons sake, you can buy an actual fucking UZI for just over $800 and you’ll notice that a real uzi has the benefit of being able to get you free stuff forever as long as you carry it around, this doesn’t really work when the uzi doubles as toothpick. The Kim Jong Il puppet, when it wasn’t singing about how ronery it was, was rocking hand ground, prescription quality lenses, because even puppet dictators apparently demand the best possible quality.
In order to highlight the scale of the puppets, which were only around a foot or so tall, Stone and Parker included several full sized props into the backgrounds of scenes, mostly, just to see if people would notice. Like that scene where they used kittens as panthers, only more subtle, which is probably the only time in history those words have been used to describe the pair. Take for example the following image from the films opening.
If you’re not blinded by the sheer patriotism of someone face kicking a terrorist to death, look in the background, at the bollards, they’re chess pieces. Oh and the floor is also paved with croissants, because it’s funny. The puppets themselves are given similar treatment, sure they spent thousands giving them mini sized equipment realistic enough to have you banned from every Smurf airport on Earth, but what they really needed to punch terrorism in the balls is a set of nail clippers.
I sense that nails need to be clipped.
There are dozens of full size props hidden throughout the movie, the trees ouside the Film Actors Guild are made of one dollar bills, there’s a lady carrying goldfish crackers instead of fruit in Cairo. In fact, if you wanted to, you could probably turn finding them all into a drinking game, although we highly advise against it because our lawyers say we can’t be responsible for anymore cases of alcohol poisoning after our last office party.
I spotted the cheese grater!
It’s the mask, it’s obviously the mask. Is exactly what you’d say if you wanted to be stone dead wrong. Bane’s mask was a comparative cakewalk when compared to the total clusterfuck that was his coat. Linda Hemming the costume designer for the film practically made the coat into a personal project. Trying to turn the coat into the perfect blend between Swedish army jacket and French Revolution frock coat all while trying to represent Bane as equal parts dictator and revolutionary, why they couldn’t have just given him a jacket with a huge middle finger on it is anyones guess. The end result you see in the film took over a year to make mostly due to the fact that amzingly, no one knew how to work with the material.
Our theory is that they too, were scared of angering the arms.
Image from here: http://uk.movies.ign.com/articles/121/1214310p1.html
Fate is kind of a dick though and virtually as soon as promo pictures of Bane wearing it hit the internet, knee length sheerling coats suddenly became uber-hip, we’re talking Kanye West hip. Realistically Hemming could have spent a whole year sat on her ass and just bought one off the shelf, which wouldn’t have been a bad ideas because you have to admit that the coat is kind of overshadowed by the steampunk sex device strapped to Bane’s face. But by far the worst part is that it’s really, really hard to take Bane seriously as a villain when you realise he’s rocking the exact same style as moody looking hipsters.
To be fair, Bane is way more underground than any of these guys, literally.
Image from here: http://www.stylisheve.com/shearling-coats-for-men/
But arguably the most effort of the film went into the soundtrack. If you’ve seen it, who are we kidding, you’ve all seen it, you’ll notice that a singular phrase is repeated throughout the film “deshi, deshi, basara, basara” which roughly translates to “He rises“. Hans Zimmer wanted this to sound like it was being chanted by thousands of people all at once. We’re not going to make a joke here because you know exactly where this is going, Zimmer crowd sourced the shit out of the project and got thousands people to chant their hearts out. In fact so many people responded that the initial tweet actually crashed the site hosting the experiment. The end result is this, although we can’t help but feel that people watching the film would be more likely to notice the huge muscular man punching an equally as muscular man dressed as a bat than the foreign sounding chanting.
Then again, it’s nice to know that somewhere in that soundtrack someone is screaming for you to suck their balls, because come on, tell us that’s not exactly what you’d have done if given the chance to be in the soundtrack for a film.