Mind Blowing (And Pointless) Gaming Achievements – Deleted Content

If you’ve found this site via the recent Cracked article I helped write. Here’s some stuff that never made it into the final list. Enjoy.

Gamers who make the game harder for themselves.

Tetris is one of those weird games, despite containing no shooting, death or muscular men in body armour, it’s still going strong after 30 years. Although most of us probably played for about 10 minutes before finally succumbing to what’s known as sucking the fat one in the Tetris community, others didn’t see any challenge in it. Leading to the creation and release of even more difficult versions. With every release though the Tetris community screamed, nay begged for something more difficult, something they couldn’t do with their eyes closed and one hand firmly on their junk. So when Arika released Tetris Grandmaster 3 they put in a hidden mode, presumably codenamed the “fuck you” difficulty where the blocks are fucking invisible and move so fast they have no fall animation. A mode that requires hand eye coordination so good you could punch a fly in the balls mid flight. And the creators could only watch in amazement as Youtube video after Youtube video popped up of people mastering literally the hardest thing they could think of doing.

Since the official channels apparently couldn’t provide a challenge worthy of the Tetris gods and their ridiculously muscular hands, they devised the > Challenge. Which requires you to effectively play the game going against 30 years of Tetris training by leaving exactly one block free, then again on the next layer one block across, till you eventually you end up with this.

Rumour has it that Jesus only plays Tetris this way.

Arguably the most difficult games ever released for home consoles were on the NES and SNES, hell, Nintendo Hard has its own page on TV Tropes. Which makes the existence of Kaizo Mario that much more incredible. You see, when gamers felt Super Mario World didn’t provide enough of a challenge they went and created their own version, which fans affectionately dubbed. “asshole Mario.” Which routinely has enough projectiles and enemies on screen to make people think they’re playing Gradius.

Because fuck you, that’s why.

But to really see how much some gamers hate weakness and their own sanity, you just need to look at I wanna be the guy. Universally considered one of the hardest platforming games ever made. Since it was specifically designed to not be able to be completed in a single go, forcing a player to utilize trial and error to win. Meaning no matter how good you are, it’s impossible to complete in one go without prior knowledge of a given level.

For example during gameplay you’ll come across a harmless looking piece of fruit lazily hanging from a tree, however when you walk under the tree the fruit falls like a lead testicle and kills you instantly. Later in the game you ‘ll come across a suspiciously similar looking piece of fruit, being not at all retarded and totally gaming savvy you decide to jump over it this time, ha, take that game! Only wait, when you jump gravity reverses and the fruit decides to fly upwards towards the sky, killing you instantly. There’s never any warning about this, the only way to know what anything does is to play a level, die, and then remember what to do for your next try, all while slowly slipping into a rage induced coma. Then you have the level bosses, who include Mecha Zangief and Mike Tyson from super punchout. If you thought Tyson was hard to beat in his home game, wait until he’s 200ft tall and has the ability to punch through walls, the game screen and directly into your soul.

Although we praise the game for its realistic portrayle of an actual fight with Tyson.

You can download it here if you enjoy screaming at your hands and being made to feel inadequate by a computer, which to be fair isn’t that hard when you’re playing it on a 15 inch screen.

Playing a game so wrong the developers have to step in.

Shooting games don’t require that much cerebral effort to comprehend, in fact the majority of the games require the same kind of, childlike, racist mentality most gamers seem to sling around when they’re online anyway. Shoot the people who are a different colour from you until they’re gone.

Pictured: GAMING!

But you can only so many times you can shoot someone in the crotch before it gets kind of, boring. Enter Hiding league gaming. Who had a single goal, get the lead and then hide for the rest of the game. Because if being a dick is fun, being a huge dick is extra fun! With the post match reactions being the sweet, sweet pay off, as it’s well known nothing fuels a gaming erection better than the hate of people you’ll never meet. The chosen game of HLG was Halo 3.

If for some reason you’re reading an article about gaming, but have never played Halo 3. Here’s an example, in Halo 3 you had a level called Construct.

This is the level, it’s called Construct. It’s in Halo 3. With us so far?

It’s basically like a giant floating platform, where space marines shoot each other, simple. With that in mind, the last place you’d probably expect to see another player is 400ft below the level, which is exactly where some players found you could hide. Here’s the ledge at the end of the level, we’ve marked the general safe area a player could land with a special programme we found called paint.

Our picture editing budget is is lower than the resolution on this image.

We should point out that the game will straight up kill any player who falls for a certain amount of time. Which would make leaping off of the side of level suicide, unless that is you can land in exactly one spot. Now here’s the area marked above, with a player in that one spot that won’t immediately kill you.

Landing here will put the player into a special fall state, allowing a player to effectively hide below the confines of the actual level, making finding them very dififcult unless you happen to look ever the edge, which no one ever does, or know specifically about the spot and think someone is hiding there. It’s for this reason that some people tried to point out that hiding was kind of a dick move.

This can’t be an accident.

Now multiply that by about 10 and apply it every level included in the game and you have an idea of what players who didn’t hide had to deal with. Also, since a lot of the spots found allowed a player crouch (in game crouching hid you on the map) it effectively made playing against people who hid, like fighting ghosts, ghosts with snipers rifles who’d nail you from one end of the world and then disappear in a cloud of swearing and teabagging, so, teenage ghosts. Of course, the reactions from players who didn’t hide are so full of venom and bragging about their own level skill that they could easily double for the ramblings of a person who punched cobras to death for a living. Because not playing Halo in exactly the same way as everyone else and hiding means you suck and smell and other players automatically touch your mothers vagina.

However lost in the swathes of “I am teh best at the haloz HLG is for fags” posts, was a genuine point, a lot of the hiding places found were places players were never meant to go, like under the map, where it’s next to impossible to either find or kill the person hiding, unbalancing the game.

Bungies official forums were littered with poorly spelled compaints from players pissed off with people hiding in-game. Prompting Bungie to release several updates, partly in an attempt to stop players accessing positions that gave an unfair advantage, seemingly unaware that this was akin to putting a huge “break this game” sticker on the front. Leading to a hilarious arms race of players finding new ways to break the games programming as soon as updates stopped them, always being sure to include a message stating their intention to never stop being dicks. That means some people out there once played a game so wrong and so hard that the people who created it had to step in to stop them, shit, we wouldn’t be surprised if those guys automatically had the words “game tester” appear on their resumes as soon as the patch went live.

Thanks for reading x x

One thought on “Mind Blowing (And Pointless) Gaming Achievements – Deleted Content

  1. You should do another one of these and include maxing out levels on RuneScape. Getting a skill to 99 (the highest level) can take hundreds of hours, which is about 13 million experience points. But, the maximum amount of experience you can get in any skill is 200 million experience points – there are players with 200 million experience on almost all of the 22 skills on RS! You can look up players skills/experience on runescape.com -> highscores

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