Welcome to a new feature of Internet . Ihe last few weeks I’ve been in contact with a few friends from Cracked and the other sites I write for. Basically this feature will function like the ever popular emails I used to launch my site 3 years ago, only instead of exchanges with people who hate me and can’t spell, they’ll be exchanges with people who hate me and can spell.
This weeks it’s Kathy Benjamin. One of Cracked’s most prolific writers and the person who inspired me to start writing in the first place, we were discussing her new book. Enjoy!
Any ways, you ready to rock?
Let’s do this shit! I am blasting Girls Aloud. I am pumped.
Alright so you’re cool with being put down as Kathy Benjamin?
Yup! That is my name
Do you not want a nickname?I could call you Kat. You know, attract that younger crowd with the sex appeal.
“Hi guys, I’m Kat Benjamin, meow!” People would love that shit!
haha, no Kathy is good
Alright so this book? Sell it to me. Don Draper that shit.
Look, death is the one thing we will all experience. Full stop. Not all of us will get married or have kids or eat haggis. But death is coming for all of us, so we may as well learn all about it and laugh at what we can.
Is that the blurb?
I dunno, it was just what I just thought up.
Inside I am thinking, OH GOD BUY MY BOOK I BUT SO MUCH BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS INTO THIS PLEASE PLEASE. But that isn’t as Don Draper-like.
I don’t know, from what I’ve heard about Don Draper he puts a lot of bodily fluids into things too. So you’re close.
So this book is about death right?
Yes, well, more about what happens after death.
Are you saying your book answers the question of what happens after death? Because that’s a pretty big selling point.
I touch on things like cemeteries, types of burial, funeral rites and rituals, even wills. What happens after death for everyone who has to deal with your now totally disgusting body.
Please tell me that there’s at least one person out there who had a spring loaded coffin.
Oh yes! It was a precaution for being buried alive. If you were rich enough in the 1800s to be buried in a mausoleum and not underground, and you were really afraid of being buried alive, you might order a spring loaded coffin, as well as having a hammer and chisel placed in your tomb. That way if you started breathing or moving, even if you weren’t conscious, the coffin would open and you could breathe. Then when you woke up you could chisel your way out.
Wait, spring loaded coffins are an actual thing? Do we still have that technology? Can we put it in my bed?
Like your bed needs ghetto hydraulics.
I’d just want the spring loaded thing to stop the dogs jumping on my bed.
Karl, even ugly girls need loving. And don’t call them dogs.
A waterbed would probably do the trick though.
Nothing, joke ruined
Really, 30 seconds of discussion then the woman decided it just didn’t work, it sounds like we are Kathy.
You have a point I guess, I’m the only person I know who spikes women’s drinks with birth control.
I don’t have anything to top that. Back to book talk.
Yeah, there’s nothing seedy about books. Unless it’s that one with all the freaky lady sex in it.
There is no necrophilia in my book so I thought we might be able to avoid sex for… oh wait no, there is one item about it. But not overtly.
Just a guy sleeping next a corpse of the girl he loved for 7 years. But he probably never did anything, right? RIGHT?
Depends if she was stabbed to death I guess.
I was already wishing I was a lesbian today, that just made it worse.
Wait, but you’re married to an English guy? Is he letting the side down?
Is it because we’re well spoken and witty? And have lots of sex with me
Right, that was a typo. Not a Freudian slip of the fingers.
Soooo, this lesbian thing?
Swap two of those words around and I’d agree with you.
ok, no, book talk now, no more sexy lady talk.
I’m just trying to optimise my search results.
This article will already return hits for lesbians, gay and necrophilia I’m going to get all the views.
Should I just start typing porn at the end of every sentence porn?
It’s not very professional. I mean would people really pay buy a book from someone who just typed sexual words seemingly at random?
Oh wait, they released 50 shades of grey.
It does hurt me to my very soul to think that terrible Twilight fan fiction made the author millions.
And yet death will make me virtually nothing!
OH GOD BUY MY BOOK PLEASE.
See, that is what is inside me all the time now.
Ok, sum up this book then.
All I know is that my book is way better than 50 Shades and wet Michael Fassbender combined and you should totally buy it.