Every now and again I’ll have an article rejected after it was accepted and written, this is one such article for a new site I’ll be contributing to called Distractify.com, they changed the kind of content they were looking for so I thought I’d share it here. Enjoy.
Superheroes and comics have been a pop culture staple for decades, in that time many superheroes have become noticeably more powerful to cater to readers who are constantly demanding that their favourite hero surpasses themselves by uppercutting a person’s skeleton right out of their fucking body.
And that’s awesome, it’s really cool to see heroes test their limits and push the boundaries set out for them, however, sometimes writers get carried away and we end up with displays of heroes powers so stupid, they border on the ridiculous, for example consider …
5. Superman Prime.
Superman is the original superhero, the Man of Steel has punched his way through more problems than Chris Brown and has a hair cut that’s only half as annoying. In his decades of comic appearances his powers have grown exponentially, going from being able to leap over a building, to being almost on par with god himself.
However, despite all his strength, Superman does have weaknesses, mainly in the form of magic, kryptonite and red solar energy. The latter of which is capable of severely de-powering Superman because many of his powers rely on catalysing the energy given off by a yellow sun (just like ours). Basically, Superman’s body is like a giant battery made of fists, the more energy he has, the more powerful he becomes. If you can’t see where this is going we have two words, DISCO SUPERMAN.
That right there is what Superman looks like after staying inside and absorbing the sun’s energy for 15,000 years straight. In the DC One Million storyline, Superman watches everyone he loves die and becomes despondent, opting to travel the universe instead of, you know, protecting the fucking Earth from the supervillains that attack it every other day.
In his travels Superman not only saturates himself with 15 thousand years worth of yellow energy (all but making him immune to the effects of both kryptonite and red solar energy) but he masters every skill in the universe and for some reason manages to acquire the last green lantern ring in existence, which, coupled with his indomitable will grants him limitless potential for creation and destruction. Not that he needs it, since in this form Superman is completely invulnerable, able to breath galaxies out of existence, be everywhere, hear and see everything and manipulate the very fabric of existence in anyway he sees fit. Hell, he even brought Lois Lane back to life and gave her an invulnerable god body so they could have freaky gold sex until the end of eternity. Since being above the base needs of humanity doesn’t mean you don’t want to get your dick wet.
This isn’t taking Superman’s powers to their logical extreme, it’s taking every superpower to it’s absolute limit then putting a tazer to their butt-hole’s to make them jump that extra few feet then giving them all to one man. One solid gold man to be precise.
4. The Flash, Telling Death To Suck It.
The Flash is the fastest being in the entirety of DC canon, simple. However, unlike in our universe where there is a definite limit to how fast an object can go, for the Flash, no such limit exists. He possesses the potential to run so fast light couldn’t even scratch his lightning soaked nuts. Even Superman himself ends up looking like his own skull is trying to leap out of his body when he tries to keep up with the Flash.
But nothing will ever compare to the time the Flash got so pissed off he outrun death. Not someone trying to kill him, but the very concept of death itself, which just so happened to be a black flash, the only thing fast enough to kill superheroes who use speed as their power. Since heart disease and cancer apparently don’t exist in the DC universe.
When the Flash realised that this black clad zombie had his number, rather than accept death like a man or a hero kids could relate to or something stupid like that, he decided to simply run really fast, because no one saw that coming. Since death is everywhere and everywhere is kind of hard to get away from, the Flash, using his super-speed runs to the end of time. Seeing things like the end of humanity, the death of the sun and the eventual heat death of the entire universe until he enters the bleak abyss of nothingness, in which the concept of death ceases to exist. Why the concept of a penis in a bright red suit still exists is never properly explained.
Then, after all that the Flash goes back home. Yep, even after seeing the very end of existence itself, after witnessing the inevitable and unavoidable realisation that eventually, no matter how hard he works to make the world a better place everything will all eventually die and he’ll be there to see it, he goes back to his own time to punch giant gorillas.
3. The Hulk, Un-breaking Planets.
The Hulk is one of those superheroes whose power you could explain to a 5 year old, the angrier he is, the stronger he is. Since there’s no theoretical limit to how pissed off the Hulk can be, his strength is effectively limitless.
However, most of the Hulk’s strength is reigned in by the Hulk’s inner voice of reason, Bruce Banner, left to its own devices the Hulk can literally break worlds in two. Or if it so chooses, unbreak them like it ain’t no thing.
That right there is the Hulk pulling the tectonic plates of an exploding planet together. Now we’re not saying the Hulk isn’t strong and we have no problem with him being able to explode a planet by punching it. However, pulling one back together is so stupid legislators in Texas have been trying to get it taught in schools. It’s simple physics, the Hulk’s hands are tiny compared to a planet, any force he applies is going to be contained to that tiny area. It’s like trying to move a phone book by gripping one of the pages with scissors. It just shouldn’t work. But it does, because this is the Hulk and the hulk is strong enough to punch physics in the dick until it cries.
2. The Punisher, Killing Fucking Everyone!
The Punisher ‘s only real superpower is his superhuman lust for shooting criminals in the face. The only reason the Punisher ends up with a raging hate-boner for crime is because his family is killed by criminals. So, imagine a world where the Punisher’s family was killed by a superhero instead.
Yes, in an alternate time-line and one-shot comic, the Punisher’s family is accidentally killed by the X-Men and the Avengers, leaving him angry with superheroes instead of criminals. Upon arriving at the scene of a recent superhero battle and seeing that his family is dead, Frank Castle (the Punisher) is understandably a little upset. Upon seeing the heavily armed man (in this universe Frank is a SWAT officer) swearing bloody vengenace on whomever killed his family, instead of leaving him to mourn, Cyclops swaggers over and offers an apology so hollow and empty it turns into a black hole and absorbs all of the bullets from The Punisher’s gun.
After shooting Cyclops right in his stupid face, Frank then opens fire on the rest of the X-Men wounding and killing a whole bunch of them. After opening fire on a group of beings who should have arguably been able to rip his arm off and beat him to death with it before he even pulled the trigger, Frank is stabbed in the face by Wolverine who for some reason suddenly decided that he gives a shit about Cyclops. After recovering and dubbing himself The Punisher, Frank then systematically kills every hero and villain in the Marvel universe. First he kills Spider-man and Venom with a flamethrower and a bunch of tazers which is exactly as awesome as it sounds.
Then he shoots off to Latveria and kills Doctor Doom, a master of magic and technology, by smashing his face in with a sledgehammer.
Then he lures all of the X-Men and Magneto’s mutant brotherhood to the Moon and blows them the fuck up with one of Dr Doom’s missiles. It should be noted that Magneto is a master of magnetism so technically should have been able to stop the missile, but we can’t really be that angry with him, since in this comic he appears to be suffering from a mild stroke in every panel.
Frank also kills beings with god-like powers like Ghost Rider and Thor off panel, because would you really want to see a man with a shotgun murder a skeleton made of fire? The story culminates with Frank killing Daredevil, and upon realising that Daredevil was the guy who tried to talk sense into him in the first place and that he’s now the most powerful being on Earth. He kills himself. Because screw protecting innocent people from people who can’t fire lasers from their eyes now you’re the only force on Earth capable of stopping crime.
1. Wolverine, Just, Wolverine Man.
Wolverine’s main power is his healing factor, which, according to the comics is directly tied to how injured Wolverine happens to be. The more severe the injury, the more his healing factor kicks in to repair his body. This, coupled with his almost indestructible adamantium skeleton makes wolverine almost impossible to kill. Even being ripped in half does little more than make Wolverine annoyed that he needs to learn yoga to cup his balls from the cold.
Over the years Wolverine has been beaten, stabbed, shot and set on fire, each time regenerating back to a man in his physical prime. But here’s where stuff gets retarded. Recovering from bullet wounds and even missing limbs is one thing, there’s flesh there, it’s stupid, but it’s at least believable. But here’s the thing, Wolverine can recover when there’s nothing left of him but a skeleton.
Due to the adamantium bonded to his skeleton (thus keeping some semblance of his body alive to regenerate), Wolverine was not only able to survive being literally charred to the bone, but he grew back his entire body a few minutes later and punched the guy who did it right in the face.Wolverine flipping off death isn’t something he’s grown good at just because of his indestructible bones either. Even before he got his fancy new skeleton Wolverine survived the shit out of Hiroshima with nothing more than a mild suntan.
And it’s been noted he can survive anything, so long as a single atom of his being remains. Which means technically, you could melt Wolverine into a puddle and shoot it into the sun and he’d still come back and claw your ass to shreds so long as he took a dump somewhere nearby. Boy are we excited for the new Wolverine movie now!