That title isn’t a joke. It is an absolute statement of fact that I was paid cash money to write about. At one point in time George Clooney, the multi-millionaire actor and international sex symbol, crouched over a cat litter box and crimped out a turd, because he thought it’d be funny. If that sentence alone doesn’t make want you to click the link below I honestly don’t know how else to appeal to you. It has cats, poop jokes and George Clooney. That’s like a picture of Emma Stone away from being the perfect post.
Why I’m not paid to Photoshop for a living is beyond me.
One of my hobbies is playing video games. Earlier today I was asked by a friend to contribute to a gaming based endevour I personally think is pretty freaking cool. Though the coolness stems mostly from the fact that I’m involved, that’s just how I roll, sorry.
Gaming theories is a new Twitter account I’ll be ghost tweeting for over the coming weeks, if you like video game based humour or just want to be a dick about stuff I’ve written on a different platform, you can find a link to the account below. In the mean time, enjoy my favourite joke I’ve written for it so far.
Check that shit out?
I don’t know where my editor got this picture, all I know is that he paid for it with chicken blood.
I fucking love history. Especially the parts where someone made a conscious decision to punch time in the face until they knew it would scream their name on command. Flamma was one such person. Living in Ancient Rome, this gladiator spent 13 years stabbing people in the torso purely because he enjoyed the sound it made. We know this because Flamma was offered the chance to retire from his life of stabbing four times! and four times he had to calmly say, fuck off, the end of my sword isn’t wet and that makes me feel anxious. You’ll likely never read about Flamma in a history book. Mainly because history books with his name in them tend to randomly catch fire.
Click here to read more.
One of the most common lists you will find online are ones detailing movie lines and scenes that were unscripted. Seriously, Google that shit, you get so many different lists that all contain basically the same information that you may as well search for a list of the best video game character of all time (it’s Cloud or Sephiroth, every fucking list is Cloud or Sephiroth).
Which is why when I wrote this article, I wanted to one up every single one of those sites by listing 10 characters that were virtually all improvised. Not lines, not scenes, but entire characters that were improvised. Because my dad once told me you go hard or you go home, oddly enough exactly 9 months before my brother was born.
Optimus Prime isn’t even on the list. I just like this photo.
Check out the list, here.
I’m in charge of documenting every awesome athlete in history over on Man Cave Daily, This week my chosen athlete was probably the finest specimen of manlitude to have ever given the Earth a moustache by walking across it barefoot. Milo of motherfucking Croton. This guy literally went down swinging, against a vicious pack of wolves that were actively trying to rip his skull off. If reading this doesn’t give you chest hair on your fucking eyeballs, I did something wrong.
This is exactly what it looks like.
I love The Simpsons, I can still to this day quote almost every episode due to how much I watched it as a kid. However, this dedication to all things yellow hasn’t led me down the path of ordering a Thai bride, it’s led me down the path of realising that the Simpsons is freaking depressing. Why? Well, did you know that as nuclear technician, Homer Simpson should technically be on a wage of around $70,000 a year? Which would mean he earns $35 dollars an hour.
And despite this, his family is always shown as being cripplingly in debt in every episode, this is despite the fact they supposedly own their house outright. Man, what kind of horrifying addictions does that man have that stop his family from living comfortably on $70,000 a year? Oh, right, yeah, the beer.
How do people with yellow skin know when their liver is failing?
These are not the eyes of mercy.
Believe it or not, the cute Japanese girl pictured above (who is totally 16 by the way, jeez, dude!) isn’t real. She’s a composite of 6 different women used to advertise Japanese candy. And you know what? That’s the most mundane fact I discovered when researching the Japanese pop-culture phenomenon that is AKB48. A band consisting of 90 Japanese teenage girls in school uniform. If that sentence doesn’t make you click this link, you’re legally redefined as being a-sexual. I’m sorry.